The many faces of domestic violence

The many faces of domestic violence
By Amy Wooten
Copyright by The Chicago Free Press
October 29, 2009
http://www.chicagofreepress.com/node/4025


“When people think of domestic violence, a lot of people think of a woman with a black eye,” said Lisa Gilmore, a Center on Halsted training coordinator and Anti-Violence Project therapist.

As pervasive as that stereotype is, however, there are many more faces to domestic violence. It’s just as severe a problem in the GLBT community as it is with straights. It happens with the same frequency, too, and not just in long-term relationships. Domestic violence can occur during a casual encounter that was initially arranged online, for example, or before a hookup takes place.

In October, Center on Halsted’s Anti-Violence Project launched an online domestic abuse campaign in conjunction with Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Laura Velazquez, COH’s Anti-Violence Project and Legal Services manager, said that while her team has always recognized and discussed the relationship between online cruising and domestic violence, many GLBTs don’t realize that domestic violence can occur in any relationship, and that in Illinois, there are laws that protect victims.

“Talks about domestic violence are usually very heterocentric,” Gilmore said. “So, there are myths, such as men have mutual power in relationships so they won’t abuse one another, or women are always sweet and nurturing, so they would never abuse one another.”

The frequency of domestic violence between same-sex couples is on par with rates reported among heterosexual couples. A 2007 study found that 32 percent of men who have sex with men reported experiencing domestic violence at least once over the course of their lives. This statistic, as well as older data on lesbians, is consistent with data on heterosexuals, which indicates an estimated 25-33 percent frequency over the course of a lifetime, Gilmore said. There is so far little data about domestic violence and transgender people.

The heterocentric perception means that there are very few resources for GLBT people. For example, there are no shelters for male victims in Chicago. Additionally, trans people are sometimes denied access to shelters. There are no spaces specifically designated for GLBT people.

The Anti-Violence Project has been working hard, however, to train local shelters and groups about being inclusive and informed, conducting over 35 such trainings last year. Gilmore said that they stress to agencies and shelters that they have to be ready in advance for GLBT people to access their services, and not just try to figure it out once a lesbian, for example, walks through their doors.

“We ask them, ‘Do you provide services to women?’” Velazquez said. “They say, ‘Yes, of course!’ Well, then you provide services to lesbians. ‘We do?!’”

The campaign also aims to inform the community that domestic violence has many forms.

According to Gilmore, domestic violence occurs during casual encounters, too, and doesn’t necessarily have to result in physical harm. Abusers might use coercion and manipulation, such as using pets, money or children to get what they want from the victim.

If you are chatting with a potential trick online, and that person uses coercion (such as threatening to out you to your work or family) to persuade you to meet up with them, that is a form of domestic violence. If you agree for a trick to meet you at your home, and your hookup uses the opportunity to rob you, it is a form of domestic violence.

Even from a distance, or over the Internet, abusers can use control and manipulation. Gilmore said the Anti-Violence project has heard many different stories, from abusers manipulating victims by posting naked pictures of them online to wiping out their bank accounts.

Velazquez said that many people might not come forward because they are ashamed that someone who seemed “like a total Prince Charming online” ended up harming them in some way.

Abusers might use emotional abuse, too, such as degrading a transgender individual my making nasty comments.

“Remember, there can be gay bashing in a gay relationship,” Velazquez stressed.

“A lot of people think, ‘If I don’t get beat, I’m okay,’” Gilmore added.

Unfortunately, there isn’t much data about domestic violence and online dating or cruising. However, the Anti-Violence Project knows it is out there. Velazquez said that the hotline frequently receives calls from victims that mention that they met the abuser online.

“We don’t know the frequency, but the main message is that it can happen online, too,” she added.

The Anti-Violence Project offers several services, such as a 24-hour domestic violence crisis hotline. The team is prepared to help both victims and abusers. The Center offers many other services for victims, from advocacy and legal services to crisis counseling. They also offer referrals to abusers who want to change their behavior.

In addition to informing GLBT people about domestic violence and its many forms, another goal of the campaign is to provide information to help reduce or prevent dangerous situations that can occur with online relationships.

Velazquez said the Anti-Violence Project doesn’t want people to fear online dating or hook-ups or feel bad about participating in them. “What we’re basically trying to do is let people know this is not taboo,” Velazquez said, adding that their goal is to arm GLBTs with information and options.

“The number one priority is safety,” Velazquez said.

Reach the 24-Hour LGBT Violence Crisis Hotline at (773) 871-CARE and learn more at centeronhalsted.org.