WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-05-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 09-05-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Cheney accused Obama of setting a "terrible precedent." That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a "terrible precedent," not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal. (David Letterman)

Ted Kennedy's friends laughingly recalled Friday the time N.Y. Daily News photographers caught him making love to a woman on a boat on the Riviera. The opposition loved it. Republicans saw the photos and thought he'd changed his position on offshore drilling. (Argus Hamilton)

Brett Favre announced his retirement from exhibition football Wednesday, but will unretire in time to play in the Vikings' season opener. (Dwight Perry)

"Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Kim Zolciak appears topless in a new ad for the NOH8 Campaign, which seeks to overturn California's Proposition 8 banning same-sex marriage. California loves pumped-up, artificial boobs; look who they elected governor. (Jerry Perisho)

Secretary of State Clinton ordered an investigation into reports of bad behavior of the guards at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan that allegedly included booze, hookers and other "deviant behavior." In her husband's words, "Who do they think they are? The President?" (Tim Hunter)

Every time Barack Obama is seen reading a book, its sales skyrocket. If only we could get him to buy stocks. (Alex Schubert)

The city of Mt Vernon will award the key of the city to Glen Beck. He is already planning on making copies only to the White Residents, kicking the blacks out and then locking the door. (Pedro Bartes)

Agent Scott Boras' dugout-level suite at Angel Stadium hosted some unexpected visitors Sunday: a swarm of bees. Coincidence? The bees didn't budge until they got guaranteed honey. (Dwight Perry)

Wildfires along with a lack of wind is making for bad air quality in the Los Angeles area. It's getting so bad that the Dodgers are starting to choke before they even arrive at the ballpark. (Jim Barach)

The state of California is $30 billion in debt, and there's no way we can pay it back, so what we've decided to do is set it on fire
and collect the insurance. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Muhammad Ali visited the town in Ireland where his great-grandfather was born, and thousands of people lined the streets to greet him. All the Irish people had one burning question for Ali, "What's it like to fight with someone while sober?" (Conan O'Brien)

HEALTH CARE

Health care protesters seem to be sending mixed messages."Stop Socializing America. Leave Medicare Alone." At least use different signs. (Will Durst)

President Obama will personally appeal to Congress for health care reform next week. He thinks he can win them over with his own story. His mother had no coverage and was turned down by hospital after hospital until finally, he was born in a manger. (Argus Hamilton)

Last week I heard some radio pundit claim that health insurance carriers should not be forced to insure the sick because it was HEALTH Insurance!. I can't wait for him to discover you have to die to collect LIFE INSURANCE.

Have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People are screaming. And I'll tell you, because if there's one thing Americans hate, it's comprehensive health coverage." (David Letterman)

Wednesday, Obama will deliver a major primetime health care speech to a joint session of Congress. Side effects may include headaches, nausea and dizziness. (Jimmy Fallon)

Of course, the healthcare debate is raging. And yesterday, John McCain spoke to nearly 100 doctors and nurses. It wasn't a political meeting. It was McCain's annual checkup. (Conan O'Brien)

Well, it's back. You know what I'm talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our health-care system. (David Letterman)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Reporters in Washington are saying that President Obama's hair has gotten visibly grayer in the seven months since he took office. Amazingly, each of his gray hairs is the result of a black hair and a white hair being brought together by Obama last year. (Conan O'Brien)

Summer vacation's sadly coming to an end. Not for the Obama family. They just got back from Martha's Vineyard. And now they're going on another vacation to Camp David. Joe Biden is really excited for the car trip. He loves sticking his head out the window. (Jimmy Fallon)

THE ECONOMY

Despite the terrible mileage they get, S.U. V.s are still popular with people like me who opted for ARMs when we bought our homes. Why? Because when the foreclosure notice eventually comes, we'll still have a roomy place to live. (Todd Strasser)

According to economists the sales of men's underwear is a good indicator of how the economy is going. Men don't buy any; they are getting screwed so often, what's the point of having to take them off all the time. (Pedro Bartes)

The recession is officially over, so if you don't have any money, whose fault is it? (Michael Feldman)

THE CONGRESS

Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins apologized for saying that Republicans needed a "great white hope." Consequently, her career jumped a "great white shark." (Pat Costa)

THE STATES

In an effort to get California's record deficits under control, Gov. Schwarzenegger is now planning to segregate California prisons according to bra size. (PNN News)

The state of California is having a garage sale, which probably not a good sign. The largest state in the union probably shouldn't have to hold a garage sale to pay its debts. (Jimmy Kimmel)

At his giant tag sale this weekend, Governor Schwarznegger was insulted when one bargain hunter eyeing some exercise equipment asked, "Hey, how about throwing in that that big dumbbell over there?" (Neil Berliner)

Earlier today, governor Schwarzenegger was touring a neighborhood damaged by the fire, and he found a charred barbell. He picked up the barbell, held it to the sky and said, "Now it's personal!" (Conan O'Brien)

It's great day for America, everybody. I'll tell you why. Because, as of today in the state of Vermont, as of today, no going back now, same- sex marriage is legal in Vermont. It is only a matter of time before Ben marries Jerry. (Craig Ferguson)

THE DEMOCRATS

The two Asian American journalists who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by president Clinton? Well, they have finally written about their ordeals. The two women said, they were frightened, mistreated and violated - then someone told Clinton to leave them alone. (Conan O'Brien)

Hey, you know who's back in town? Eliot Spitzer. Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer is back in town, and he's going to run for governor again. He says he wants to spend less time with his family. (David Letterman)

Do you remember Governor Eliot Spitzer, the guy who pioneered the "Cash for Hookers" program?. (David Letterman)

I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact, he's already holding
fundraisers, $500 for the full hour, $300 for a half-hour. (Jimmy Fallon)

Elizabeth Edwards has opened a furniture store in North Carolina. The most awkward moment during the grand opening was when John Edwards came in to shop for some new baby furniture. (Jim Barach)

THE REPUBLICANS

A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012. It's a political group known as the Democrats. (Conan O'Brien)

Dick Cheney. He's denying now that he ordered torture. And he says you people who are saying this, go ahead, call it torture if you want, but where I come from, it's just good old-fashioned fun. Cheney says that water boarding is not only legal but it's aerobic. (David Letterman)

Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica and Antarctica. (Conan O'Brien)

A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85 percent finished with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book. (Conan O'Brien)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

In Michigan a 23-year-old man on his first date with a woman skipped out on their restaurant bill and then stole her car. That's not speed dating. That's dating a guy on speed. (Doug Austen)

A man recently said he robbed a bank two years ago so he would go to jail and get away from his overbearing wife. Please, Frank Gifford, get some help! (Jerry Perisho)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

President Obama says prisoner interrogations must meet Army Field Manual guidelines. The C. I.A. claims their interrogation guide is already based on the Army manual, specifically the part where you have to break apart a militant and then reassemble him in under a minute. (Todd Long)

NASA & SPACE

On display in the Rijkmuseum and insured for $500,000, a "moon rock" gifted to former Dutch Prime Minister Willem Drees by Apollo-11 astronauts shortly after their 1969 lunar landing has been exposed as petrified wood worth about $50. The revelation recalls the 1998 discovery that "dust" claimed to have been scraped from Neil Armstrong's boot was nothing but dried cream cheese. (Bob Mills)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

The United States and Cuba will start talks this month on resuming direct mail service for the first time since 1963. The US will fly mail into Havana on a Boeing 727. Mail from Havana will arrive in Miami on a rusted 1964 Ford pickup body floating on 4 oil drums. (Jerry Perisho)

INDIA & THE SUBCONTINENT

India lost contact with its only communications satellite orbiting the moon - announcing that its scientists are no longer controlling the spacecraft. The tech support guys didn't have a clue how to help them; the call center was somewhere in Ohio. (Jerry Perisho)

AFRICA

Libyan dictator Muhammar Gadhaffi says he wants to stay in New Jersey during his visit to the U.N. next month. Apparently after living in war torn Libya his whole life he likes to stay where he can feel right at home. (Jim Barach)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

New York City says it's going to be more prepared this fall for the swine flu than it was last spring. The new strategy relies mainly on isolating the people most likely to have serious ailments, which means quarantining everyone on the New York Mets. (Jake Novak)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

In Brazil, as part of an effort to conserve water, the government has started a campaign to ask people to urinate in the shower. And in the U. S., millions of men have just declared themselves conservationists. (Janice Hough)

Southern California was declared a disaster area. Federal officials say they're applying the disaster management lesson of Hurricane Katrina. The lesson is, push the flames toward wealthy people with insurance, then let the lawyers sort it out. (Argus Hamilton)

California firefighters saved the TV towers atop Mount Wilson Tuesday. Network broadcasts could have been destroyed by the blaze. In order for President Obama to address Los Angeles next week he would have had to materialize next to a burning bush. (Argus Hamilton)

For the first time in decades, the hunting of the gray wolf is legal again in the United States. Conspiracy theorists says this is all because of the power three little pigs lobby. (Jake Novak)


THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So now, listen this. Jenna Bush - talk about a great gig - is going to be on the "Today" show. And if there is anything this country needs, it's more of that family. And I just hope she has her father's facility with words. That would be nice. They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had. (David Letterman)

"Good Morning America" anchor Diane Sawyer will replace retiring Charlie Gibson as anchor of ABC's "World News" in January, 2010. That means two of the three top evening news people will be women; three out of four if you count Sean Hannity. (Jerry Perisho)

ABC says it will not air an ad critical of President Obama's health care reform plan because it doesn't meet their standards. Yet they still plan to air "Cougar Town." (Todd Long)

CELEBRITIES

Michael Jackson was placed in a mausoleum Friday next to Walt Disney and Three Stooges star Larry Fine. He's between a cartoonist and a stooge. They wanted to find a appropriate resting place and they finally settled on the Low Comedy Pavilion. (Argus Hamilton)

A newspaper in Britain claims that 29-year-old actor Macaulay Culkin is the biological father of Michael Jackson's 7-year-old son, Blanket. So, he wasn't really "home alone", after all; he had an empty test tube with him. (Jerry Perisho)

The rumor is that Brad Pitt is in hot water with Angelina Jolie for a long drinking binge. Who can blame Pitt? When he started seeing Angelina she was a bi-sexual drugged-out party girl, now she is Mother Teresa who can't walk past a baby surrounded by flies without adopting it. (Alex Kaseberg)

Chris Brown told Larry King he doesn't remember hitting Rhianna. Sad for him because that's probably the last hit he'll ever have in his career. (Pedro Bartes)

Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California pageant because she claims being fired damaged her career. Let's see, how many former Miss Californias can you name? Maybe the pageant should sue her for non-payment of publicity services rendered. Or, as suggested by a couple friends, ask for their implants back. (Janice Hough)

Megan Fox said in a new interview with Cosmopolitan magazine that "if you're in a heterosexual relationship and you're a female, you win." She says she has "vagina power". There are 10 million men in this country who want to help her feel superior. (Jerry Perisho)

The Today Show hired President Bush's daughter Jenna as a correspondent Monday to do stories about education. It's historic that another Bush is going into public life. This means that U. S. troops will be standing by in Kuwait for one more generation. (Argus Hamilton)

In a new interview, the Miss Universe choreographer says that the pageant is fixed by Donald Trump, who hand picks six of the finalists before any judging takes place. Trump's fingerprints are all over this pageant; especially on the ass of Miss Venezuela's swimsuit. (Jerry Perisho)

Bill Gates says he and a team of scientists will patent a technology to stop hurricanes. I guess he thinks this is easier than first
developing a technology to stop Windows from crashing? (Janice Hough)

Madonna will direct her second feature film, a movie musical about the socialite Wallis Simpson, who married English King Edward VIII after he abdicated the throne. The movie's title: "Desperately Seeking Distribution.' (Jerry Perisho)

"Manson Family" member Susan Atkins has been denied parole by California despite being terminally ill with brain cancer. The state actually did want to release her, but it can't afford to send her to Libya. (Jake Novak)

Monica Lewinski turned 36 this summer. Which means she is a little more than half way to sixty nine, which is exactly what happened with her and Bill. (Janice Hough)

You have to be wary of men with mustaches. Stalin had a mustache; Hitler had a mustache; Saddam Hussein had a mustache. Tom Selleck had a mustache. (Craig Ferguson)

Michelle Duggar is pregnant again and is expecting her 19th baby. The doctor said this time the delivery is going to be hard, it is going to be difficult to convince the kid to come out when there's more room inside the womb than in a room with 20 other siblings. (Pedro Bartes)

EDUCATION

The teacher in Florida who was fired for having a side job as a "bikini" girl is now doing porno. Apparently she got into porno
because she missed all the action she used to have as a teacher. (Pedro Bartes)

A New Jersey social studies teacher is accused of taking money from students to improve grades. She has a logical alibi. Her lecture that day was "How Government Works." (Alan Ray)

RELIGION

Big name guest stars including Debra Messing, Greg Kinnear, Ben Stiller, Jake Gyllenhaal and Christina Applegate will appear in the 12-part Muppet series "Shalom Sesame," taped in Israel, to teach children about the Jewish culture. In the opening segment, Miss Piggy will explain how she became kosher, Big Bird has his Bar Mitzvah and Kermit the Frog will sing "It's Not Easy Being Hassidic." (Bob Mills)

A new version of the Bible is being published that is gender-neutral. For instance, the books of "Mark, Luke, and John" are now the books of "Kris, Jean, and Terry." (Conan O'Brien)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Medical marijuana should be between patient and doctor. It's a joint decision. (Gil Stern)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Michigan-based Eternal Images, Inc. is marketing caskets and urns in the colors of major league baseball teams including the L.A. Dodgers, whose models include the "Fernando Valenzuela" which features a built-in taco maker; the "Tommy Lasorda" which includes an all-you-can-eat salad bar; and the "Vince Scully" with a recording of Vinny doing the play-by-play of the deceased's memorial service. (Bob Mills)

The IHOP deal with the NFL could lend new meaning to the term "pancake block". (Bob Mills)

Google will soon allow users to translate any web page into Yiddish. It makes reading the news a lot more fun: "Obama shlepped to North Korea where he shvitzed for a whole week. (Jimmy Fallon)

A 95 year old bartender in Pennsylvania is retiring after pouring beers for 76 years. His only time away from the job was a 30 month stint with the Army in WWII. Of course, he was drafted. He describes his qualifications for the job as being stout with a good head, and more importantly after all these years he isn't bitter. (Jim Barach)

HOLIDAYS

Monday is Labor Day. There once was a time when workers were exploited with low pay, long hours, and no benefits. It was last Tuesday, 10AM at Walmart. (Alan Ray)





Compiled by Stan Kegel
skegel@socal.rr.com