Weakly Humerus News 11-28-09

Weakly Humerus News 11-28-09


WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 11-28-09
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

By a vote of 5-2, the Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that teachers
may legally have sex with students 16 or older if the sex is consensual.
Here's what makes matters worse: Since it's Georgia, a lot of these
16-year-olds are still in the third grade. (Jay Leno)

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean is dating Rams backup quarterback
Kyle Boller. In fact, Prejean dedicated her book to him. For his part
Boller says Carrie's giving him a whole new appreciation for watching
tape. (Janice Hough)

Actress Amanda Peet says that Tom Brady's wife Gisele Bundchen has the
body most women want. It's also the body most men want. (RJ Currie)

During his performance on the American Music Awards Sunday night,
Adam Lambert made out with a one of his male dancers, simulated
getting oral sex with another dancer, and flipped off the crowd.
For a minute there, he thought he was the owner of the Buffalo Bills.
(Jerry Perisho)

Oprah said she used prayer to help her decide to end her show. She said
she stopped praying when she realized she has more money than the guy
she's praying to. (Conan O'Brien)

Over $142 million gross for "The New Moon" this weekend. 80 percent
of the audience was women. There were even rumors that of the 20 %

men, about a dozen were actually straight. (Janice Hough)

A poll says a majority of Republicans believe ACORN stole the presidential
election for Barack Obama. Of course the last group of nuts accused of
stealing a presidential election was the Supreme Court. (Jim Barach)

A lot of people are saying that it's too soon for Sarah Palin to write
a memoir. They say she should wait until she had at least 10 more years
of inexperience. (David Letterman)

Today's NFL game between the home 1-8 Lions and the 1-8 Browns
is blacked out for people in the Detroit area. For the rest of us,
no such luck. (RJ Currie)

A study says unhappy people watch 30% more TV than happy people.
What do you say to someone who always sees a dark cloud? "Why did
you leave CNN, Mr. Dobbs." (Alan Ray)

THANKSGIVING

On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Dick Cheney
didn't miss an opportunity. This proves that Obama is soft on poultry.
(David Letterman)

They're having a big Thanksgiving dinner at Sarah Palin's house, and people
say, "Is she a good cook?" I said, well, sure, she cooked John McCain's goose.
(David Letterman)

This being Thanksgiving week, Barack Obama had the traditional presidential
task of pardoning a turkey. But first it had to stand
trial in New York City. (Wendel Potter)

President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey,
the Treasury Secretary, Tim Geithner. I don't want to say Geithner
is not doing a good job. But, today, God asked for his name to be
taken off the bill. (Jay Leno)

This is President Obama's first Thanksgiving in Washington, which
means he has to officially pardon a turkey. Though many Democrats
think believe Obama's already done enough for Joe Lieberman.
(Janice Hough)

President Obama is scheduled to pardon a turkey this week, and today
Bernie Madoff was overheard saying "gobble gobble, gobble gobble."
(Pedro Bartes)

Hey! This Thursday is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on NBC.
That's when Americans can sit in front of their TV's watching balloons
floating by for two hours without feeling foolish afterwards. Of course,
on Fox News they'll have alternative programming. The Sarah Palin
Moosie's Thanksgiving Day Parade. (Frank King)

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following
"thankfulnesses list: I have thankfulness that little Falcon was
found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick
about him flying around in that balloon. I have thankfulness also
for the new drapes I installed in my house to keep the Russians
from peeping in. I have thankfulness for all of the good people
who read my book, and for the person who wrote it also. (Andy Borowitz)

According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving
dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. Mainly, because no
one wants to eat elk pie. (Conan O'Brien)

A new survey by Triple A says that airline travel for Thanksgiving week
in 2009 will be down 62 percent from what is was in 2000. Asked to comment
on the cause of the decline, a spokesman for the airline industry said,
"I'd love to tell you, but there's a $150.00 fee for answering that
question, and an additional $25.00 fee for each follow-up question."
(Frank King)

Thanksgiving Day travel was predicted to be heavy by the Auto Club as
American families gather this week. It's a tradition four centuries old.
The first turkeys weren't wild, they just went crazy when they found
out what we planned to do with them. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT OBAMA & THE ADMINISTRATION

In the new Gallup Poll, Pres. Obama's approval rating is at 49%; the first
time it has dipped under 50%. Now, if Obama had just bitten Chinese President
Hu Jintao's neck, well, ratings would be through the roof. (Jerry Perisho)

The White House might soon reveal that the President may delay the
announcement he is not even close to making a decision on Afghanistan.
Maybe. (Will Durst)

President Obama will answer questions about the economy at a news conference
today with Indian Prime Minister Singh. Singh won't be answering any questions
himself, he's just there as tech support for Obama's teleprompter. (Jake Novak)

Tonight at the White House, President Obama is hosting a State Dinner for
the prime minister of India, and to make the prime minister feel welcome,
the menu will include curry, chutney, and other Indian foods. And to make
everyone else feel welcome, the dessert will be Tums, Mylanta, and
Imodium AD. (Conan O'Brien)

The state dinner at the White House honored the prime minister of India,
and the menu was vegetarian. How do you like that for Thanksgiving? No turkey,
wrong Indians. (Wendel Potter)

Hollywood stars and moguls made up most of the A-list guests at the
vegetarian White House state dinner last night. To make sure he got at
least some meat at the event, David Geffen brought Adam Lambert.
(Jake Novak)

Some Republicans are angry that Sen. John McCain wasn't invited to the
state dinner. In response, the White House said, "Of course we didn't
invite John McCain — the dinner was at 8 o'clock at night."
(Conan O'Brien)

President Obama just had his first official state dinner in honor of
India's Prime Minister Singh. See, pretty smart of the Obamas. Not only
do they get to have a state dinner for an ally, all night long they get
free tech support. (Jay Leno)

Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro, reportedly a huge fan of president Obama.
He thinks President Obama's doing a great job. Well, Obama hasn't had P. R.
that good since the Reverend Wright was campaigning for him. (Jay Leno)

THE CONGRESS

Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the health care bill.
Can you believe that? It's like fighting over whether or not to fight.
(Jimmy Fallon)

Senate Democrats added a tax on cosmetic surgery in the health care bill.
It's timed perfectly to nail aging Baby Boomers. If they had taxed pot
in the Sixties, coke in the Seventies and rehabs in the Eighties, this
country would be solvent today. (Argus Hamilton)

Senate Democrats proposed a tax on all plastic surgery procedures Friday.
It's the nation's hobby. Last week a woman in Beverly Hills ordered her
plastic surgeon to make her just like Jessica Simpson, so he gave her
breast implants and a lobotomy. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator Harry Reid scrambled Monday to buy votes in the Senate for the
health care bill. He's offering bridges, dams and highway funds. When he
offered Heidi Fleiss the job of Majority Whip she thought it was going
to be something else entirely. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressman Patrick Kennedy was banned from receiving Holy Communion
by the Roman Catholic bishop of Rhode Island over his pro-choice votes.
He doesn't miss it. The bars haven't been closed on Sundays in
Massachusetts in thirty-six years. (Argus Hamilton)

Saw a story on TV last night about the Louisiana Purchase. Remember how
Congress bought Louisiana? Not the whole state, just Senator Mary Landrieu.
Well actually, to her credit, because she changed her vote, her state is
going to get $300 million. But you know what the government's going to do.
They'll just have FEMA deliver it, so it will never get there. (Jay Leno)


THE COURTS, CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

The New York State Supreme Court ruled that the New Jersey Nets can use
eminent domain to clear homeowners and businesses in the way of building
their new arena in Brooklyn. Who said the 0-15 Nets couldn't win one
this season? (Dwight Perry)

The Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that a riding-lawnmower is not
considered a motor vehicle. The ruling was reported in the Journal
of Questions That Are Only Raised in Georgia. (Conan O'Brien)

THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

Governor Schwarzenegger has been photographed with his Porsche parked
illegally. Maybe this means Arnold's next job should be with the 49ers.
At least he knows how to get into the red zone. (Janice Hough)

Arnold Schwarzenegger was photographed parking his Porsche in an emergency
vehicle zone. He later said there was nothing illegal about it because he
is the governor of California which is in a state of emergency.. Fortunately
Maria Shriver called later from his cell-phone while driving her kids to
school to apologize on behalf of her husband. (Pedro Bartes)

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another
office once his term as governor is over. And the amazing thing — do you
know what he's going to be doing after this? He'll be a speech therapist.
(Jay Leno)

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman hopes to follow the sales
success of "Going Rogue" with her own forthcoming autobiography, "The Power
of Many." Whitman says her book will differ from Palin's in a few
substantive ways – nouns, verbs, sentences… (Janice Hough)

On South Carolina's Black Friday tax holiday on firearms purchases:
"No taxes on guns — because one thing you want right after people have
been drinking and arguing with their families is gun purchases made
easier." (Jimmy Fallon)

The city with the lowest smoking rate in the U. S. is in Utah. It is
understandable. It must be hard to smoke when you have your 20 wives
asking you to put out your cigarette. (Pedro Bartes)

U.S. POLITICIANS

The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former first
lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first
met George? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library.
(Jay Leno)

If you want to get your friends a great gift, get them the new Sarah Palin
book. I got it. This is interesting: It came with a sticker on it that read,
"After reading, do not operate heavy machinery." (David Letterman)

The ratings just came in for Sarah Palin's appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show."
It earned Oprah her highest ratings since the episode where she reunited the
Osmond family. Yeah, viewers who saw both episodes say Palin's more likable
but that Donny and Marie are more qualified to be president. (Conan O'Brien)

Barnes & Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy
the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar. (David Letterman)

Former vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is promoting her book,
"Going Rogue." Don't confuse this with the current vice president,
Joe Biden's book: "Going Rogaine." (Alex Kaseberg)

TAXES & THE ECONOMY

A research firm says nearly eleven million homes are "under water", where
the buyer owes more than what the house is worth. Some people are so far
under water they are seeing if they are covered by their flood insurance.
(Jim Barach)

A new report shows that investors are remaining cautious despite the recent
run-up in stocks. Experts say Americans are scared by job losses, bank failures
and everything they saw on the American Music Awards. (Jake Novak)

The majority of states added jobs in October, although most of them were
temporary. Of course, in this economy every job is pretty much considered
temporary. (Jim Barach)

The Democrats are proposing a "War Tax" to pay for the extra troop deployment
in Afghanistan. War tax? Eek! I'm burning my W2 and catching the next VW bus
to Canada. (Bill Williams)

The Congressional Budget Office estimates the interest payments alone on the
national debt will total $4.8 Trillion over the next ten years. Apparently
Congress is financing the country with a subprime loan. (Jim Barach)

Support is growing for JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon to take over as
Secretary of the Treasury. The only trouble is that if Dimon goes to the
government, there will be no one left in America earning any money.
(Jake Novak)

Salvation Army kettles are now equipped to take donations by plastic.
So people can now use their credit cards to help other people who got
into financial trouble with their credit cards. (Jim Barach)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Costco is cutting out all Coca-Cola products from its stores due to a price
dispute. They are replacing the shelf space with dental products now that
their customers will actually have some teeth left to protect. (Jim Barach)

The U. S. Postal Service announced it lost four billion dollars last year
despite laying off thousands. It can't be helped. Until it's legal to send
pornography through the mail, the Postal Service will never be able to
compete with the Internet. (Argus Hamilton)

The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill.
The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many
nonexistent fake jobs as the last one. (Jay Leno)

Quite a few McDonald's in the U. S. will undergo a European style makeover.
The counter help already has a French look. Most don't understand English.
(Alan Ray)

Continental Airlines has been fined $100,000 by the FAA for stranding
passengers on the tarmac for several hours. However, Continental made
more than twice that amount with the amount they charged for beverages
during the wait. (Jim Barach)

Retailers are beefing up security for this week's Black Friday sales...
but this time they'll need to protect themselves not from a crush of
shoppers, but a stampede of people applying for a job. (Jake Novak)

Everybody is running sales for Black Friday. Except strip clubs, which
are already offering clothes at 100 percent off. (Paul Seaburn)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Customs officers seized a shipment of 316,000 bongs disguised as Christmas
ornaments at Los Angeles harbor. In related news, shares of Krispy Kreme
stock just dropped 10 percent. (Janice Hough)

Los Angeles County Prosecutor Steve Cooley says anyone selling medicinal
marijuana will get busted. Apparently that means people will have to go
back to selling pot the old fashioned way. On street corners near schools.
(Jim Barach)

IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM

That evil guy, the evil masterminding terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed,
he is going on trial here in New York City. I will tell you something,
this guy is nothing but evil. One time he called CNN and told them that
his son was floating away in a balloon. (David Letterman)

THE MILITARY

The latest Army statistics show a stunning 75% of military-age youth are
ineligible to join the military because they're overweight, can't pass
entrance exams, have dropped out of high school or had run-ins with the
law. Luckily, all of those people are very qualified for jobs in Congress.
(Jake Novak)

NASA & SPACE

Congratulations to NASA astronaut Randy Bresnik whose wife, Rebecca,
gave birth to a baby girl while he was on a six-hour spacewalk Saturday.
Whew! Finally a NASA diaper story they can be proud of! (Frank King)

Space Shuttle Atlantis astronauts were surprised by a Thanksgiving Day
turkey dinner. They said the food was "tangy". Mostly because they can't
get the taste of Tang out of their mouths. (Jim Barach)

EUROPE

A Swiss court has just granted Roman Polanski's bail request. But just to
be safe, the justice ministry says Polanski's release won't happen until
the end of the current Hannah Montana concert tour. (Jake Novak)

THE MIDDLE EAST

Iraq's government offered young Sunnis and young Shiites two thousand dollars
to marry each other. The idea is to reduce hostilities by having people from
rival sects get married. If they can just stop fighting about religious
differences and start fighting about sex and money they will be on their way
to being a free society. (Argus Hamilton)

ASIA

A South Korean court has struck down a law that punished men for falsely
promising marriage in exchange for sex with women. Or as we call it in
America, "Saturday night". (Jim Barach)

President Obama was in China last week. Today, the Chinese government sent
him a beautiful gift. Did you see this on the news tonight? It was a 10 percent
off coupon at Wal-Mart. (Jay Leno)

This week, Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan's
traditional clothing, the Kevlar pants, helmet and bulletproof vest. (Jay Leno)

AFRICA

An expert commission of African leaders today announced their plan for
comprehensive reform of music band U2. Saying that U2's rock had lost
touch with its African roots, the commission called for urgent measures
to halt U2's slide towards impending crisis. (Aid Watch)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

A women's sex aide drug is awaiting approval from the FDA, Flibanserin.
The way it works is it makes women think all men look like George Clooney.
(Alex Kaseberg)

The Department of Health issued a report saying women shouldn't get mammograms
until they are fifty. It's arguable. It sounds heartless but we've seen how
breast exams of younger women can cause false positives, unnecessary anxiety,
and impeachment. (Argus Hamilton)

There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill
that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years.
They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they
do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years? (Jay Leno)

The White House said Friday a swine flu strain has turned up that is resistant
to Tamiflu. No one likes the medicine. Young adults in Los Angeles wouldn't
take Tamiflu if you mixed it with vodka and grenadine and called it Sex in
the Oxygen Tent. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that gasoline fumes make lab rats more aggressive. That makes sense.
It was the smell of petroleum that got us to invade Iraq. (Jim Barach)

Los Angeles cops vowed Friday to shut down rogue medical marijuana shops.
They are supposed to be collectives but many are making a profit. Medical
marijuana is legal under an Obama administration order but making a profit's
a shooting offense. (Argus Hamilton)

The next step in the government's drive to make health care more efficient
will be to recommend far fewer blood pressure tests. Studies found that when
people learn their blood pressure, it just raises their blood pressure.
(Scott Witt)

A study says that comfort foods relieve stress. Although they do nothing
to relieve the stress on buttons, hooks and zippers. (Jim Barach)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

California has taken a major step toward limiting greenhouse gas emissions by
actively looking to bankrupt the last three business that still makes anything
in that state. (Jake Novak)

SPORTS

New New Yorks Knicks slogan – We suck less than the Nets. (Janice Hough)

The Oakland Raiders face the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day. Expect an
extremely physical battle. And after Tom Cable's coaches meeting, it's on
to the field. (Alan Ray)

Hear about the governors' bet for today's battle between the 1-8 Browns and
the 1-8 Lions? Forget winning — the loser has to take both teams.
(Dwight Perry)

Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn is dating Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone.
Typical of Quinn, he had to make three passes before she gave him a tumble. (RJ Currie)

Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal faces prerequisite training before he can
become a special police deputy in Ohio:. He'd better hope any shooting test
isn't from the free-throw line. (Elliott Harris)

Some of Usain Bolt's countrymen have suggested that mannish water, a spicy soup
made with goat testicles, is what makes Jamaican athletes run so fast. It's also
what makes Jamaican goats run so fast. (RJ Currie)

Over in the Ivy League, Yale was leading 10-7 over Harvard with about two and
a half minutes left. The Bulldogs had a 4th and 22 at their own 26 yard line.
With a punter who had been averaging 51 yards and the Crimson out of timeouts.
And Yale tried a fake punt. Which came up short. Harvard drove 40 yards for
a game winning touchdown. Even Bill Belichick said "What were they THINKING?"
(Janice Hough)

Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen is sporting a black eye after getting
punched outside a South Bend bar, but the good news is he's skyrocketed to
No. 1 on the Oakland Raiders' draft board. (Dwight Perry)

Remember when Allen Iverson wrote on his Twitter site: "God chose Memphis?"
Didn't quite work out. "Even I make mistakes," tweeted God. (Greg Cote)

After taking a bobsled ride with U. S. Olympic driver Steven Holcomb in
Lake Placid, N.Y. : "It felt like I was being hit in the head with ice hammers.
It was like losing the worst snowball fight of your life." (Stephen Colbert)

Last week the league fined a number of players from between $5,000 to 10,000
for unnecessary roughness. Including some plays that resulted in injuries.
After fining Chad Ochicinco $20,000 for a fake $1 bribe to an official.
And of course Titans' Bud Adam's $250,000 fine for giving the finger to
Bills fans. Can't imagine how anyone thinks the league doesn't take the
health of their players seriously. (Janice Hough)

Buying out the remaining six years of Coach Charlie Weis' 10-year deal would
cost the university upward of $29 million with no guarantee his successor
would do any better. That's a tough call to make in the middle of a recession.
(Tom Van Riper)

Veteran NFL tackle Jon Runyan, just signed by the San Diego Chargers, says
he'll retire at season's end to launch a campaign for the congressional seat
in New Jersey's 3rd District. In other words, he's taking a pass on football
to work on his running game. (Dwight Perry)

Krystal Gray was ejected from a Lingerie Football League (LFL) game last week
for instigating a fight. When you attend a lingerie football game, a brawl is
about the last thing you expect to break out. (Cam Hutchinson)

Michigan's football program failed to file mandatory practice logs during its
disastrous 3-9 season a year ago, an internal audit embarrassingly revealed,
but Plan B ought to rebuff any allegations the team practiced too much.
(Dwight Perry)

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has installed a code system with Mark Sanchez
in an attempt to cut down the rookie quarterback's mistakes and provide him
with a clearer idea of the tasks at hand. Since Sanchez is a former USC player
I can only assume that the code is 1 for a handoff, 2 for a pass. (Janice Hough)

The Saskatchewan Roughriders meet the Montreal Alouettes this Sunday for the
CFL championship. Riders quarterback Darian Durant is nicknamed Double D.
It seems appropriate that he's been in two Cups. (RJ Currie)

As if seeing Sammy Sosa's pale face from those ill-fated skin treatments
wasn't bad enough, now comes word he's suffering from a bad case of
bleacher bum. (Dwight Perry)

Snowboarder Hannah Teter is the first athlete to have a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream
flavor named after her. The flavor “Maple Blonde” features ice cream with blonde
brownie pieces and maple caramel swirl. Hannah Tater fits the profile perfectly.
She’s blonde and symbolizes Maple syrup through her Hannah’s gold charity and
her Vermont origins. (Cristina Kumka)

After Hugh Hefner's mag named Michigan State's Kalin Lucas to its All-America
team but left Tom Izzo off its best-dressed coach list: "Playboy might know hoops,
but what does it know about clothes?" (Steve Schrader)

Coach Lane Kiffin suspended one player and dismissed two others from the
Tennessee Volunteers football team for their part in a failed robbery and
attempted getaway in a Toyota Prius. He reportedly said they made poor
decisions. What, the attempted robbery? Or trying to outrun the cops in
a hybrid? (RJ Currie)

ENTERTAINMENT

The movie "New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of
vampires from a town called Forks. What I don't get is how it is that these
Vampires all look good, shaved and combed… If you're a real vampire, shouldn't
you look like a mess, scruffy, with razor cuts? Because a true vampire can't
see their reflection in the mirror… (Pedro Bartes)

Give the "Twilight" phenonomen some credit. The movies are making many parents
think back nostalgically to the days of "Barney the Dinosaur." (Janice Hough)

The Twilight Saga: New Moon did a huge movie box-office of one hundred and
forty million dollars last weekend. Young people have always flocked to movies
about vampires. Everybody loves a bloodsucker until they get their first
property tax bill. (Argus Hamilton)

Roman Polanski said he can't wait to see the movie "New Moon", especially
when he heard it was about a 100-year-old vampire trying to seduce a high-school
girl. (Pedro Bartes)

It was great seeing Michael Jackson winning four AMA awards, giving the Jackson
family that much more to fight over. (Tim Hunter)

"Fantastic Mr. Fox" is out in theaters this weekend. A no count nuisance must
end his wily ways and become a responsible father. Or, Kate Gosselin will get
sole custody of the children. (Alan Ray)

Cirque de Soleil has followed up "The Beatles" with "Elvis." How many more
casinos does Vegas need before Hall & Oates get their show? (Will Durst)

MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Oprah's announced that she's quitting her show in 2011. Now you know why the
Mayans ended their calendar in 2012. Once Oprah leaves her show, the most
powerful woman on TV will be Ryan Seacrest. (Craig Ferguson)

Oprah's announced that she's quitting her show in 2011. Now you know why the
Mayans ended their calendar in 2012. (Craig Ferguson)

Former CNN anchor Lou Dobbs is considering running for the senate in 2012
against New Jersey incumbent Robert Menendez... or having him deported,
whichever's easier. (Jake Novak)

CNN has paid Lou Dobbs a reported $8 Million to leave the network. Which works
out to approximately $ 1 Million for each CNN viewer. (Jim Barach)

AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees.
Yeah. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with
frequent interruptions. (Conan O'Brien)

OTHER CELEBRITIES

Farrah Fawcett left Ryan O'Neal none of her five million dollars when her will
was read Monday. She left it to the guy who quarterbacked the Texas Longhorns
when she went to college there. In Texas that is the equivalent of leaving it
to the church. (Argus Hamilton)

After his racy performance at the American Music Awards, Adam Lambert's
appearance on Good Morning America was cancelled. Apparently ABC felt it
would be inappropriate for a potential family audience. Instead, they
spent the time discussing Carrie Prejean's sex tapes and Mark Sanford's
ethics violations. (Janice Hough)

Levi Johnston does not do frontal nudity in his upcoming "Playgirl" pictorial.
But if you want to have a description, you can ask anybody in Alaska.
(Pedro Bartes)

Kate Gosselin rejected a bouquet of red roses that Jon Gosselin brought as
a peace offering to their divorce meeting on Saturday. Jon's proctologist
says he'll remove the stitches from those thorn punctures in about a week.
(Jerry Perisho)

EDUCATION

A study says that college students who live in co-ed housing are more
likely to binge drink and have sex. Or as the students call it, getting
in shape for spring break. (Jim Barach)

Law schools across the country are reporting that the hiring rate for
new lawyers has been significantly reduced. Apparently it doesn't do
any good to sue someone when they don't have a house, a car or any money.
(Jim Barach)

RELIGION

A report from the Catholic Church says that homosexual priests are no more
likely to molest children than heterosexual priests. Well, it's certainly
good to know that the Catholic Church doesn't discriminate when it comes
to pedophiles. (Jim Barach)

Rhode Island's top Roman Catholic leader has asked Rep. Patrick Kennedy
to stop taking Communion... not because of Kennedy's support for abortion
rights, but because he keeps hogging all the wine. (Jake Novak)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A new study by the National Bureau of Economic Research has found that
when an NFL game ends in an upset, there's an 8% increase in domestic
violence in the home state of the losing team. So for the women in Detroit,
and Cleveland, just move out of the house every Sunday and you'll be safe.
(Pedro Bartes)

A 39-year-old man paid young teens to defecate on him. It must have cost
him a fortune, because we know that teens don't give a crap about anything.
(Pedro Bartes)

ACORN offices in Los Angeles were videotaped counseling an undercover
journalist how to set up a prostitution ring with underage girls. The
pressure's really on. Roman Polanski could be extradited any day now
and Los Angeles has to prepare his welcome home party. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says one third of all teenagers say they have texted while driving.
The other two thirds were too busy with their iPods, putting on makeup or
calling friends on their cell phones. (Jim Barach)




Compiled by Stan Kegel skegel@socal.rr.com