Midlife Crisis No. 290: Pussy Wussy Prissy Sissies

Midlife Crisis No. 290: Pussy Wussy Prissy Sissies
By St. Sukie de la Croix
Copyright by The Chicago Free Press
November 26, 2009
http://www.chicagofreepress.com/node/4135


The leaves are crispy brown and dropping from the trees as fall turns to winter and that means two things–1) I slip into my Snuggie and 2) I suffer an attack of vagina flu. Every year about this time my labia gets the sniffles and I prescribe myself a few days on the sofa re-watching old black and white movies and diving headfirst into the Godiva chocolates. Now I’m back at work in time to read the headline: “Prince Harry Kisses Gay Man For a Beer.” Apparently, the youngest son of the late Princess Diana kissed Rocky Bennett, a gay 21-year-old, after he offered to buy the Prince a beer in return for a kiss. Harry laughed and kissed him on the cheek. This doesn’t mean that Prince Harry is a cheap date. It just means he broke with protocol–a kiss from a British prince would usually cost you two beers. A six pack and you might get to suckle on the Royal nipple. A bottle of Jack Daniels and you can tongue the Royal butt-crack. A crate of Absolut vodka and you can shove your head up the Royal Asshole and sing “Girlfriend in a Coma.”

The fact that Prince Harry kissed a gay man is no surprise to me. He’s an Army officer and in Britain gays serve openly in the military, therefore he lives and works with gays. Here in the U.S., of course, gays are thrown out of the military, because President Barack Obama is homophobic and refuses to do anything about it. What exactly is the U.S. military afraid of? They allow nut-job Dr. Nidal Malik Hasan into the Army as a psychiatrist, who then proceeds to snuff thirteen people at Fort Hood, but they won’t permit gay men and lesbians to enlist. Are they afraid gay men may have to stop during street battles to reapply their lipstick? Lesbians might beat the Marines at Soccer? Will gay soldiers teach the Taliban how to line-dance? Maybe they’re frightened gay personnel might do things better than them. We certainly wouldn’t have created that nightmare at Abu Ghraib with pyramids of naked prisoners piled up on top of each other. It was a disgusting, ugly and humiliating sight. If we had piled up naked Iraqi prisoners it would have been a lot more fabulous. First off we would have channeled Esther Williams, and placed the male nude Iraqi pyramid against a backdrop of pink lights and fountains. We would have put all the fat ass Iraqi’s on the bottom, tier them up with a skinny little terrorist in a tutu on the top spinning like a ballerina in a music box. The nude pyramid would then slowly rise up out of a swimming pool, with each terrorist grinning like an idiot and with a sizzling sparkler shoved up his ass.

What the U.S. military is really frightened of is being looked at in the shower. These brave soldiers who are going to defend this country against religious nut jobs and nuclear attack are more scared of a homo looking at their pee-pee than they are of al Queda? “OMG!! A man is looking at my penis!! It’s the end of the world.” Who are the sissies now?

These retarded homo-haters are suffering from arrested development and never managed to progress beyond the mentality and modus operandi of the schoolyard. Time to grow up boys. What a bunch of Pussy Wussy Prissy Sissies.

CONTACT ST. SUKIE DE LA CROIX AT STCROIX@CHICAGOWHISPERS.COM OR YOU CAN FIND HIM ON FACEBOOK.