SWINE FLU - key facts

SWINE FLU - key facts

Population at risk: Swine flu seems particularly dangerous to politicians, members of the media and government and senior
members of the health establishment.

Aetiology/pathophysiology: the body is subjected to a stream of information, advice, counter-advice, emails and printed matter. The immune system is able to cope initially, but in the face of a prolonged onslaught, the Common Sense Receptor Sites (CSRS) are swamped. Hot Air Shock Proteins are activated which initiates an inflammatory cascade and switches on the PAN1(C) gene on the q22 locus. This results in production of Protein ZZZ, a neural down-regulator and powerful sleep mediator.

Patients progress rapidly through three phases:

Phase one, the excitatory phase, normally lasts 24-48 hours and is characterized by tachycardia and an increased preload.

Phase 2, a habituation phase, follows shortly after. This is sometimes known as the dormant phase, as patients may appear
superficially normal during the characteristic 2-3 days it lasts. It is, however deceptive. Transient catecholamine surges, and
an occult accumulation of emails, combined with Meeting Stress Fatigue (MSF) result in;

Phase 3, the 'Blast Crisis' which takes its name from the urge to shout "BLAST" whilst jumping up and down, throwing large
documents out of the window whilst simultaneously deleting thousands of unread emails, all about the same subject and
all saying the same thing. Downloading travel brochures is a sentinel marker of the moribund patient.

Swine flu is a serious illness and job fatality rates are over 30% in the first 3 weeks. Mortality amongst politicians is particularly high. The overall cost to the health system has been estimated at 100 times the GDP of Iceland.

Hope that's useful.