WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-08-00 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-08-00 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

President Obama turns 48 today. And as a present, all the members of his administration made a new fake birth certificate that says he is only 44. (Pedro Bartes)

The ex-president called the new president and wished him a happy birthday. George remembers his first birthday as president fondly. That was when Dick Cheney got him his first war. (Bill Williams)

This week the Toyota Corolla became the most traded-in car as part of the "Cash for Clunkers" program. After hearing about it, the C. E.O. of General Motors said, "Oh my God, don't tell me Toyota makes even a better clunker than we do." (David Letterman)

The federal government is planning on giving state and local governments more money to fight obesity, just at the time when
people are calling for trimming the fat out of government. Talk about increasing spending on pork.

Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. And then, in keeping with tradition, the US government will decide they want the medal and then they will attack the old chief and take it back. (Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama denied rumors that he is going to tax the middle class. He said that that is impossible because there’s no middle class anymore. (Pedro Bartes)

Mum on her future plans, a spokesman for Lens-Crafters refused to confirm or deny rumors that Sarah Palin has been hired to
make designer frames made of moose antlers. (Bob Mills)

Wednesday was National Waffle Day. Brett Favre got so pumped for it, he changed his mind four times. (Dwight Perry)

Twitter and Facebook were both down for a while Thursday morning. Which meant that millions of Americans had to remember how to drive with both hands on the wheel. (Janice Hough)

President Obama had lunch with Senate Democrats Tuesday and he gave them a pep talk on health care reform. He knows it's contentious. We could end up with half the country getting free health care and the other half getting Australian citizenship. (Argus Hamilton)

Former Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick has been reinstated by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. The league's welcome did not come without conditions, though. Vick will become the new TV spokesman for Taco Bell, replacing the recently deceased chihuahua. (Bob Mills)

BILL CLINTON

Two American journalists were reunited with their families on American soil after former President Bill Clinton successfully negotiated their release from North Korea. Usually, when Bill Clinton orchestrates a release, there is a dress to be dry-cleaned. (Jerry Perisho)

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton may have been involved in the decision to send her husband to North Korea. Can you imagine that conversation? "So let me get this straight. You want me to go over there and see if I can pick up two girls?" (Janice Hough)

Bill Clinton is still enjoying the afterglow of his prisoner release triumph. Usually when he releases a pair, he's just unhooking a bra. (Jake Novak)

And poor Bill. When he heard there’d be a debriefing, he thought it meant he’d be taking off his underpants. (Jerry Perisho)

Now that he's freed the journalists, Bill Clinton's next mission is get Paula Abdul back on "American Idol." (Craig Ferguson)

SONYA SOTOMAYER

Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U. S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, "Yet another job gone south of the border." (David Letterman)

Sonya Sotomayor was just confirmed by the U. S. Senate for the Supreme Court. I'm not sure how this works. So, does she sit next to Randy or Simon Cowell? Either way, it's going to be a great season. (Jimmy Fallon)

John McCain says Sotomayor's "life story is inspiring and compelling," but "not enough to qualify for a position on the high court." He added, "Has she ever been a soccer mom? Has she shot a wolf from a chopper? Has she watched the Russians from her front porch? Those are my litmus tests." (Jerry Perisho)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Obama's birthday is a reminder of why health care is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of health care coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger. (Jimmy Kimmel)

I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is. I guess it all depends on whether you believe his "birth certificate" or not. (Jimmy Kimmel)

There was plenty to eat and drink at Barack Obama's 48? th birthday party Tuesday. The vice president provided the beer, the president provided the loaves and fishes. (Bill Williams)

A very Happy Birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence. (Jerry Perisho)

President Barack Obama celebrated his 48th birthday by bowling a 144, a huge improvement over the 37 he bowled during the campaign. This kind of improvement in this short of time - at that advanced age- can only mean four words: the President is juiced. (Alex Kaseberg)

Last week President Obama tried to quell the racially charged incident in which he said police "acted stupidly"; he invited Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley for a beer. And Vice President Joe Biden was there because he is an expert in acting stupidly. (Bill Mihalic)

The latest polls show that President Obama's approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low, which explains Obama's new Secret Service code name, "NBC." (David Letterman)

I just heard that President Obama made Vanity Fair's Best Dressed of 2009 list. So I guess they're not counting the ironed mom jeans he wore to the All-Star game. (Jimmy Fallon)

The latest slang dictionary reports that the word Obama means “cool,” as in “you are so Obama.” Also gaining popularity: the phrase “shut your Biden-hole.” (Conan O'Brien)

President Obama has invited myself and Sarah Palin down to the White House for a beer. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

Car dealers sold more than 250,000 cars thanks to Cash for Clunkers. The good thing for Obama is that if this plan fails to improve the economy, people at least will have a new car to live in. (Pedro Bartes)

Senate Democrats wanted to extend the cash for clunkers program, reminding us that every American has a right to use taxpayer money to buy a Toyota. (Jake Novak)

House Democrats faced near-riots at town hall meetings in their home districts Monday. Their constituents were venting their rage against the health care reform bill. Kaiser could have warned the government that being an HMO makes people hate you. (Argus Hamilton)

Congressional Democrats say they want to tax "Cadillac" health plans that cost $25,000 a year or more. They are called Cadillac plans because like every other GM product they are unnecessarily wasteful and overpriced.

Congress heads home for summer recess. What's the area of DC where most representatives live? Lobbyists' back pockets. (Alan Ray)

Nancy Pelosi accused insurance companies of deliberately trying to kill the health-care bill. Pelosi was so angry that she started arranging her face into a scowl. (Jimmy Fallon)

SARAH PALIN

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and her husband Todd are denying rumors that they're getting a divorce. When asked about it, Palin said, "When have you ever known me to not see something through?" (Conan O'Brien)

There was a rumor on the Internet this weekend that Sarah Palin was getting divorced. I knew that wasn't true, because when Sarah Palin takes an oath, she doesn't bail. (Jimmy Fallon)

Sarah Palin is no longer Governor of Alaska. I hope the next time we see her is on a float as the oldest Queen of the Wisconsin cheese festival. She's already been declared persona au gratin. (Rich Orwell)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

Pakistani Taliban leader Baitullah Mehsud has been killed in a U.S. drone attack. The bulky remote-controlled plane apparently went above and beyond the call of duty in hopes of not being junked in the "cash for clunkers" program. (Jake Novak)

NASA & SPACE

A Japanese astronaut on the space station has taken part in an experiment by wearing the same pair of underwear for an entire month. Big deal, say residents of frat houses across America. (Janice Hough)

NASA is planning to build its most environmentally-friendly building in California, called Sustainability Base, to be completed in November 2011. It will recycle its drinking water, use the sun for heat, and generate electricity from Nancy Pelosi blinking her eyes. (Jerry Perisho)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Mexico will issue national identity cards for all their citizens. They actually need them now that the U.S. economy is in the tank and Mexicans are actually moving back to Mexico.

FRANCE & WESTERN EUROPE

Officials of Berlin's Pax Bank, a long-respected full-service financial institution owned by the Vatican, issued a formal apology
for "behavior not in keeping with ethical standards," after Germany's leading newspaper exposed the bank's numerous investments in companies that manufacture birth control drugs and devices, including American "morning after" pill maker, Wyath Pharmaceuticals.Reporters at "Der Spiegel" first became aware of the sinful investments last January when the bank offered new depositors a year's supply of free condoms for CD's exceeding 5,000 euros. (Bob Mills)

RUSSIA & EASTERN EUROPE

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on vacation. And today, he was photographed on horseback without his shirt. The photograph won't appear in the newspaper, but it will appear on the cover of Danielle Steele's new novel "Iron Fist, Velvet Heart." (Conan O'Brien)

This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents. (Jimmy Fallon)

IRAQ & IRAN

In an effort to return some sense of "normalcy" in an Iraq that was turned into a "prison-like city of shadows" by concrete blast walls erected following the American "liberation" of the country, Maj. General Quasin al-Mousawi announced that the walls will be removed from all major thoroughfares. Reports that the Iraqi government plans to ship them to the Crawford, Texas ranch of George W. Bush could not be confirmed. (Bob Mills)

AFRICA

The nation of Antigua named its highest mountain after president Obama as a present for his birthday. Obama promised to one day visit the peak of the mountain so he can sneak a smoke without Michelle bugging him. (Pedro Bartes)

SCIENCE & HEALTH

Medical marijuana dispensaries in Colorado are thriving in the state's permissive environment. And all this time, it was thought that Denver was called the "Mile High City" because of its altitude. (Jim Barach)

Officials of the American Psychological Association have warned their 150,000 member psychologists and mental health workers that gay patients should never be advised that they can change their sexual orientation by undergoing certain therapies. Some religious fundamentalists had suggested that gays could be made "straight" through a combination of prayer and lifestyle changes, that included destroying Liza Mannelli, Bette Midler and Broadway show tune albums and avoiding mens' restrooms frequented by Sen. Larry Craig. (Bob Mills)

Washington University researchers said Monday that depression is now affecting some kids at the age of three. It's so true. That's the age children are told if they don't do their pre-school homework, they are never going to get a job in this economy. (Argus Hamilton)

A study says that texting while driving increases the crash risk 23 times. What's bad is that it is actually safer to drive a Ford Pinto while drinking a case of beer with the hitchhiker you picked up. (Jim Barach)

Research shows that the use of antidepressants in the U. S. has more than doubled over 10 years. Well, at least people who make antidepressants are happy, I guess. (Jimmy Fallon)

A new study in Psychosomatic Medicine finds that engaging in enjoyable leisure activities can lower stress and reduce your body mass index. And to think that habitual Twitterers were giving all the credit to crystal meth. (Jerry Perisho)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

In a victory for conservationists and animal rights organizations, a U.S. federal appeals court has reinstated a rule imposed by the Clinton administration and rescinded by the Bush administration that forbids building new roads into forty million acres of national forests. However, the court refused to go one step further as urged by Obama administration lawyers to impose strict hunting restrictions on Dick Cheney and Sarah Palen. (Bob Mills)



ENTERTAINMENT

An executive with the Fox TV network expressed "sadness" that Paula Abdul has decided not to return as a judge on the hit amateur break-in program "American Idol," adding that she had been an important part of the American Idol family over the last eight seasons. He then assured reporters that her replacement would be given no "litmus test" of her position on abortion, Roe vs. Wade or same-sex marriage between Idol contestants. (Bob Mills)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Popular online messenger Twitter on which Paula Abdul announced her resignation this week was attacked by a hacker and underwent a worldwide shutdown for several hours on Thursday. While still seeking the cause of the failure, Twitter's cyber investigators told reporters that, while they've been unable to trace the source of the sudden outage, they have interrogated 140 suspicious characters. (Bob Mills)

Twitter was down for 3 hours yesterday because of a cyber attack. It's not clear if the hacker was trying to make a political statement or if he was just sick of reading any more stupid crap from Ashton Kutcher. (Jake Novak)

CELEBRITIES

Brad Pitt says in an interview with Parade magazine that he and Angelina Jolie will get married "when it's legal for everyone else." Men across the country said, "Wait, you can use that excuse?" (Jerry Perisho)

Paula Abdul confirmed that she won’t be part of the next season of American Idol. The pharmaceutical companies can’t get a break, first Michael Jackson died and now this? (Pedro Bartes)

Paula Abdul has just announced that she is leaving American Idol. Shares in all the leading pharmaceutical companies are down sharply on the news. (Jake Novak)

Michael Jackson's kids were sold to his mother Friday by their biological mother Debbie Rowe. It's the third time she sold the kids to the family. She also acquired visitation rights, the bidding for which just reached fifty thousand dollars on eBay. (Argus Hamilton)

The rumor mill says it was flirty text messages from Kanye West that led to the breakup of Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush. For the record, they were sent to Kim. (Tim Hunter)

Paris Hilton is taking scuba diving lessons. It's not been easy. The instructor has to constantly remind Paris, that, on the regulator, she can simply inhale, she keeps trying to suck on it. (Alex Kaseberg)

Paris Hilton had a 300-square foot designer dog house built for her two pups, at a cost of $325,000. However, the dogs are pretty upset: the last Zillow estimate came in at only $267,000. (Tim Hunter)

Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, the woman who tried to shoot President Ford, is about to be released from prison after 34 years. The parole board decided to set Fromme free mostly because no one remembers who President Ford was anyway. (Jake Novak)

Rush Limbaugh has not revealed the secret of the diet that helped him lose 90 Lbs. But everybody suspects it has to do with the fact that the drug store where he gets his prescriptions just moved 2 blocks away from his home. (Pedro Bartes)

Ryan O'Neal told Vanity Fair Monday he didn't recognize his own daughter Tatum at Farrah's funeral and hit on her. He actually tried to pick her up. (Argus Hamilton)

Tommy Hilfiger, 57, and his wife Dee are the proud new parents of a baby boy. Now there are some real designer genes. (Tim Hunter)

RELIGION

Archbishop Vincent Nichols, leader of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, has warned Catholics that "social networking" websites like Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace that rely on virtual communication through texting and e-mailing instead of face-to-face human interaction, are undermining community life. He has a point. Such interaction lacks the personal contact of, say, priest-altar boy networking, bishop-pedophile priest networking or Vatican-criminal defense lawyer networking. (Bob Mills)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Three women super-glued a guy's junk to his stomach after learning he was dating all of them at the same time. His penis reaches his stomach? No wonder he was dating 3 women. (Pedro Bartes)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Playboy Enterprises reported an $8.7 million loss for its second quarter. They’d broken even until they began accounting for Hugh Hefner’s Viagra expenses. (Jerry Perisho)

Citigroup paid billions in executive bonuses after receiving taxpayer bailout money. The bonuses are a good investment. It's important to retain these people inside Citigroup lest they escape into the wider economy and bring down the country. (Argus Hamilton)

Ryanair’s CEO, Michael O’Leary, makes no apologies for his charging passengers to use the bathroom on his planes – and hopes to cut the number of bathrooms down to one. Meanwhile, passengers make no apologies for using the barf bag to relieve themselves at their seats. (Jerry Perisho)

The New York Times has hired Goldman Sachs to help it sell the Boston Globe... which means the Globe will be sold for about $10 million and Goldman will get a commission worth $100 million. (Jake Novak)

Five black workers at a Philadelphia waste transfer plant are suing their employer, claiming restrooms are segregated for black and white workers. The employer’s lawyer claims that the separate bathrooms were just to avoid depressing White employees when they compare sizes at the urinals. (Pedro Bartes)

OTHER NEWS

DaVinci Code author Dan Brown's new book will center on secrets hidden in and around monuments and museums in our Nation's Capital. At the Lincoln Memorial, the Birthers claim Honest Abe is sitting on Barack Obama's real birth certificate. (Frank King)




Compiled by Stan Kegel
skegel@socal.rr.com