Weakly Humerus News 05-15-10

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 05-0-10
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

It was just a crappy week for America. The oil spill making a huge mess, and
Arizona deporting all the people who mop up. (Bill Maher)

According to a new study, modern human beings bred with neanderthals. Well,
it sure didn't work for Sandra Bullock. (David Letterman)

The Montreal Canadiens won game seven on the road against the Pittsburgh
Penguins. It was a true underdog story like those old 'Road' movies with
Bing and Bob, only this time Crosby had no hope. (RJ Currie)

Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived from JFK with two
handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers, and knives in his luggage. When they
heard this, JFK screeners were like, "Sure he had all those things but what
he didn't have was bottled water or nail clippers. (Jimmy Fallon)

South Africa's Drug Central Authority estimates 40,000 prostitutes will
visit the country for the Soccer World cup. Who says there's no scoring in
soccer? (Pedro Bartes)

The state of Hawaii passed a new law allowing the state government to ignore
requests for President Obama's birth certificate from the "Birthers." From
now on, every future president should be required to be born on camera and
in front of a national landmark. (Jimmy Kimmel)

A compound found in dark chocolate may protect the brain against stroke, and
I'm willing to take that risk: for science. (Tim Hunter)

A story, made the national media that Ken Griffey, Jr, had fallen asleep in
the Seattle clubhouse in the late afternoon Saturday, and missed a pinch-hit
opportunity, Today, Griffey, 40, claims the story is untrue, and that he was
awake, available, etc, etc. In short, sounds like the "Whine of the Ancient
Mariner." (Janice Hough)

Despite being a respected legal scholar, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan
faces strong challenges from conservatives, supporters of the U. S.
military, and the 500,000 people on Facebook who are demanding President
Obama nominate Betty White. (Jake Novak)

Rush Limbaugh said Wednesday he offered to play golf with President Obama
last summer and Obama told Limbaugh to go play with himself. That's always
the safe plan. It would have saved the careers of Tiger Woods, John Edwards
and Lawrence Taylor. (Argus Hamilton)

A Reuters report says Floyd Landis is considering entering the 2010 Tour de
France. I'm just wondering; if you fail a cycling drug test, does that make
you a doped pedaler? (RJ Currie)

This is going to be the biggest environmental disaster ever. You know what
that means? More bonuses. (David Letterman)

THE OIL SPILL

They sent specialists down there to start a controlled fire on the ocean to
burn the oil off. That's how you know when things are bad, when the ocean on
fire is an improvement. (Jay Leno)

Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf oil
spill. At this point, the solutions have been: dump chemicals into the
ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage underwater, and release prisoners. If none
of that works, they're going to have al-Qaida come take a look at it. (Jimmy
Fallon)

One in 8 people are saying that they will not buy gas from BP any more. That
is, unless they're cheaper than the gas station across the street. (Jay
Leno)

I've never been more glad that I'm not a Gulf shrimp than I am today. (Jimmy
Kimmel)

How about that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico - or as they renamed it, the
"Dead Sea". (David Letterman)

Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I
mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh? (Jay
Leno)

BP has asked Pamela Anderson if she would donate a bra to help cap the oil
leaks. (Janice Hough)

Since the four-story dome that BP thought would stop the Gulf oil leak has
failed, they think clogging the pipe with useless scrap material may work.
They'll use materials that are not biodegradable, like shredded tires and
your in-laws' Christmas fruit cakes. (Jerry Perisho)

BP is now using a special containment dome called a "top hat" that shoots
methanol into the oil leak. A top hat that shoots methanol? That doesn't
sound like an emergency device - that sounds like something Lady Gaga would
wear to the VMAs. (Jimmy Fallon)


According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the
Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They were going up anyway. (Jay
Leno)

Transocean has cited a law from 1851 to limit the amount of their liability
in the Gulf oil spill. Leave it to the oil companies to protect themselves
even then. They lobbied for protection eight years before the first U. S.
oil well was even drilled. (Jim Barach) (Jim Barach)

That idea about using a concrete dome to cover up the oil leak in the Gulf
did not work. Experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome
since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions. (Jay Leno)

This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to
lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it
regular or unleaded. (David Letterman)

Congress told BP that they can't "label this catastrophic failure an
unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence." Congress used that excuse
already for not catching the financial meltdown in time. (Jay Leno)

They tried a big dome to stop the leak and that didn't work, and then they
tried a little dome and that didn't work, and then they tried to stuff the
hole with garbage. Now they're talking about dumping lettuce and croutons
into the Gulf and declaring it a giant salad. (Jay Leno)

Florida Governor Charlie Crist says he wants BP to pay $35 Million for a
tourism ad campaign. The new campaign says "Come to Florida. Sunbathers
don't even need to apply oil, it's already on the beach!" (Jim Barach)

BP still has not managed to stop the oil leak in the Gulf. The plan now is
to plug the leak this week with a "top hat." But first they have to find an
enormous game of monopoly that has the piece. (Jimmy Kimmel)

BP is now dispersing dispersants to counter the oil spill in the Gulf. I
think we can trust BP with toxic chemicals, don't you? (David Letterman)

They're also trying to plug the oil leak with shredded tires and old golf
balls. It's like the front lawn at Tiger Woods' house. (David Letterman)

They're considering a plan to fire golf balls and rubber tires into the leak
to clog it. Toyota and Tiger Woods may finally have a chance to redeem
themselves after all. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The BP executives responsible for the big oil spill in the Gulf testified
before Congress. They were criticized by the same guys that approved
drilling in the Gulf. (David Letterman)

BP, Transocean, and Halliburton are all blaming each other for the Gulf oil
spill. And you know what? They're all right. (Jay Leno)

BP engineers are working on a plan to shoot different types of garbage into
the Gulf oil leak to clog it up. People on the Gulf Coast are like "Do
whatever you have to do to end this," while fish on the Gulf Coast are like
"You're kidding me." (Jimmy Fallon)

Although it seems like nothing is getting accomplished in the Gulf, and the
situation is getting worse every day, the government has been involved in
the clean-up effort since the beginning. They said that, as proof of their
involvement, nothing has really been accomplished and the situation is
getting worse every day. (Jay Leno)

The Republican National Committee is already questioning Elena Kagan's
"commitment to the Constitution? One question, if these folks are so
committed to the Constitution, where were they when George W. Bush was
shredding it? (Janice Hough)

THE WORLD ECONOMY

The good news is, because of Europe's economic problems, our dollar may soon
be worth as much as the Euro. The bad news: they'll both be worth nothing.
(Tim Hunter)

The stock market crisis is so bad that Wall Street is starting to look like
Wal-Mart Street. (Jay Leno)

Wall Street shot up Monday on news of a Greek bailout and healthy U. S.
corporate profit projections. Oil companies look great, led by Exxon,
ConocoPhillips and Royal Dutch Shell. Gulf is also in the black, not the oil
company, the Gulf of Mexico. (Argus Hamilton)

Wall Street crashed Thursday as the economic crisis in Greece escalated.
Harsh measures were taken to try to save the Greek economy. An Athens mob
killed three bankers Wednesday but that only works if they're virgins and
you're in an Aztec temple. (Argus Hamilton)

Greece is a relatively small country, much like a state in the U. S. But it
overspent and over-borrowed, promised expensive pension plans, overtaxed,
and it over-regulated business. So the state it would be here is California.
(Jay Leno)

Europe has authorized the financial bailout for Greece. Greece is like the
world's new brother-in-law. (David Letterman)

They say that the check being written for Greece is the biggest check ever
written - until Tiger Woods gets divorced. (David Letterman)

The crisis in Greece is being blamed on overspending, but the government
claims that the spending is necessary to stimulate the economy, according to
Greek President Barack Obama-opolous. (Jay Leno)

There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been
sparked by a typo, where someone entered "billion" instead of "million" on a
trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many
problems since the letter "Dubya." (Jimmy Fallon)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate
speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.
(Craig Ferguson)

President Obama is nominating a woman for the Supreme Court position that
will open up. If approved, it would be the first time there were ever three
women on the Supreme Court at the same time. The President says his goal is
to have one woman for each of Larry King's wives. (Tim Hunter)

A Washington Post/ ABC poll says that 14% of Americans believe that
President Obama is foreign born. Or as the 14% of Americans are otherwise
known, Fox News Channel viewers. (Jim Barach)

THE ADMINISTRATION

The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal.
We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest
aimed at Fox News. (Jay Leno)

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said that soon, the U. S. will reopen
the Mexican border to trucks. This came as a shock to Mexican truck drivers,
who didn't even know it was closed. (Jay Leno) .

THE COURTS

President Obama nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice,
against the advice of Joe Biden, who wanted Iron Man. (Craig Ferguson)

Moments after news of President Obama's choice for Supreme Court justice
spread across Washington, congressional Republicans rushed to insert the
name "Elena Kagan" into speeches opposing the President's judicial nominee.
In the text of a speech released Sunday, hours before Ms. Kagan was
selected, House Minority Leader John Boehner (D-Ohio) states, "I opposed the
nomination of _____ because I believe ______ would lead the court down a
dangerous path towards judicial activism. In short, I cannot think of a
worse choice for Supreme Court than _____. " The anti-Kagan rhetoric was
generated last week before Ms. Kagan was nominated, GOP insiders said, by
using a new iPhone app called iOppose. (Andy Borowitz)

It was reported that Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan used to date Eliot
Spitzer when they were both at Harvard but he denied it. Spitzer said he
didn't start dating until well after he was married. (Jay Leno)

Howling in protest over Obama Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan's lack of
judging experience, leading Republicans today urged the President to
withdraw Kagan and instead nominate Paula Abdul. "The American people have
had years of watching Paula's judging expertise, and they know that she is
fair," said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R., Ala.), top Republican on the Senate
Judiciary Committee. "She's certainly fairer than Simon. " As to the
criticism that sometimes on "American Idol" Ms. Abdul seemed to be not all
there and had nothing to say, Sen. Sessions said, "You could say the same
thing about Clarence Thomas " (Andy Borowitz)

The Republican National Committee is already questioning Elena Kagan's
"commitment to the Constitution? One question, if these folks are so
committed to the Constitution, where were they when George W. Bush was
shredding it? (Janice Hough)

THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

The Arizona government is very defensive about its new immigration law. They
are being accused of just looking for Mexicans. They say, "No, earlier
today, we were rounding up Germans." (David Letterman)

Utah Senator Bob Bennett was ousted as Republican nominee at the state
convention, as partly leaders felt he wasn't conservative enough. Of course,
Utah is a state where people smiling too much at their wedding are accused
of gay marriage. (Jim Barach)

In Colorado, one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist
ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? It didn't work so well when
John McCain tried it. (Jay Leno)

U.S. POLITICIANS

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford admits he spent the weekend in the
Florida Keys with his Argentinean mistress. Apparently, he wanted to take
her to Arizona, but he was afraid she could get arrested. (Pedro Bartes)

Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called "America by Heart: Reflections
on Family, Faith, and Flag." Coincidentally, "Faith" and "Flag" are the two
names Palin has picked out if she ever has twins. (Jimmy Fallon)

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an
independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. To prove
he was no longer a Republican, Crist had to pull his head out of the sand
and wash the speech notes off his hands. (Jerry Perisho)

Texas Congressman Ron Paul's son Rand Paul is expected to win the GOP
primary in Kentucky for Senate Tuesday. Ex-presidential candidate Ron is a
gynecologist and son Rand is an eye surgeon. Voters like their small
government philosophy, their foreign policy restraint and their ability to
refill your prescription while you wait. (Argus Hamilton)

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Monday that he was afraid to go to
Arizona because people would hear his accent and deport him. He's wrong
about that. People would hear his accent and say Democrats were right, the
Nazis have taken over Arizona. (Argus Hamilton)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Goldman Sachs hired former senators Trent Lott and John Breaux Friday to
lobby for the firm in Congress. For years they served as Republican Whip and
Democratic Whip to keep their troops in line. Only Egyptologists have the
maps to more skeletons. (Argus Hamilton)

The new Coors Light case of beer has a window in it, and when it turns blue,
that means you know your beer is cold. That's way more convenient than the
old way: touching the cans. (Jay Leno)

Google's new Android phone is outselling Apple's iPhone. I don't know what
an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of
California. (Craig Ferguson)

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag
problem. In a related story, TSN has recalled Pierre McGuire. (RJ Currie)

A Japanese company has introduced a bra that allows women to grow rice in
the cups of the garment. Or, in Heidi Montag's case, watermelons. (Jerry
Perisho)

Ryanair says they are confident the EU will approve their plan to charge
passengers to pay a restroom fee. U.S. airlines may try to do the same,
charging $6 for a bottled water and then more money to use the restroom.
They will eventually get us all both coming and going. (Jim Barach)

Spirit Airlines has installed pre-reclined seats on all its jets... except
these seats recline forward so it's easier for you to bend over when the
airline screws you. (Jake Novak)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A man in his 70s known as the "geezer bandit" has held up his ninth bank. He
says he's going to keep robbing banks until he finds one with money in it.
(Jay Leno)

Out in Nebraska, there's a guy who wraps himself up in toilet paper and
commits robberies. He's calling himself "Osama bin Charmin." (David
Letterman)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

The TSA has loosened restrictions for carry on liquids for air travelers.
This will allow airport security to concentrate on more dangerous
contraband. Fingernail clippers. (Alan Ray)

The government announced today that they're making big changes to the No-Fly
list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been
working. (Jay Leno)

During an interview with ABC news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
said that Osama Bin Laden is living in Washington, D.C. A 6-feet 2 tall guy,
familiar with bombs? He is probably playing for the Wizards. (Pedro Bartes)

The Times Square bomb was reportedly built for under $7,000. Which means it
cost billions of dollars less and worked just as well as anything the
Pentagon designs. (Jim Barach)

It turns out Times Square Bomber, Faisal Shahzad, vacationed in Pakistan
several times. You'd think that might be a red flag, that and his "I (heart)
Osama bin Laden" bumper sticker. (Alex Kaseberg)

THE MILITARY

The Pentagon weighed a proposal Thursday to begin awarding U. S. soldiers a
medal for courageous restraint. Soldiers in Afghanistan would be given
medals for holding their fire. Once we started rewarding banks for losing
money and car companies for losing customers it was just a short step to
honoring soldiers for losing the war. (Argus Hamilton)

NASA & SPACE

A "brain dead" satellite drifting in space could interrupt cable programming
in the U. S. Interrupting cable TV could prevent millions of Americans from
also becoming brain dead. (Jim Barach)

An out-of-control communications company satellite is drifting slowly into
the path of another satellite that serves US cable companies. Cable TV
broadcasts could be very seriously interrupted or stopped completely. So,
there appears to be no down side to the impending collision. (Jerry Perisho)

The Hubble Telescope found water on a Saturn moon, providing more evidence
that there's life out there. It's certainly logical. The surest sign that
intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that none of it
has tried to contact us. (Argus Hamilton)

CANADA

A recent survey suggests 33 per cent of women in Canada feel their pets are
better listeners than their husbands. This gusts to 100 per cent during NHL
playoff games. (RJ Currie)

GREAT BRITAIN

Britain's current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is
stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a
gentleman named Ed Balls. I would like to make a plea on behalf of late
night talk show hosts and bad comedians everywhere - I implore the voters of
Britain to make sure that happens. (Craig Ferguson)

Britain has a new prime minister named David Cameron. He was delayed for
days after the election because Al Gore demanded a recount. (David
Letterman)

Queen Elizabeth made David Cameron prime minister Tuesday after the Tories
won last week. Britain wants low taxes, lower spending and less government.
The Tea Party was happy enough with their win in Massachusetts but this one
could go to their heads. (Argus Hamilton)

A woman in Britain is selling wallabies as a good alternative to lawnmowers.
They say the wallabies work just as well as regular mowers - until you get
drunk and try to ride one of them into town. (Jimmy Fallon)

EUROPE

Following their financial meltdown, bankers in Iceland are being thrown in
jail. The prosecution is using a little-known thing called "justice." (Jay
Leno)

THE MIDDLE EAST

A hotel in the United Arab Emirates has installed a vending machine in its
lobby that dispenses gold bars and gold coins. You think you get frustrated
when your Doritos get stuck in the machine? Try losing a bar of gold. (Jimmy
Fallon)

ASIA

China opened the biggest world's fair in history Friday in Shanghai and
issued warnings to tourists. China health officials said that unsafe sex
with prostitutes has given China the world's highest rate of syphilis.
They're beating us at everything. (Argus Hamilton)

THE SUB-CONTINENT

The State Department has warned against travel to the tribal regions of
Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation. (David Letterman)

A man was detained at an airport in Pakistan with electrical circuits and
batteries in his shoes. Authorities weren't buying his excuse - "Hello, I am
a robot, my name is Wall-E." (Jimmy Fallon)

AUSTRALIA & OCEANIA

Imelda Marcos is making a political comeback in the Philippines, winning a
seat in the House of Representatives. Political experts were correct calling
her bid for elective office a shoe-in. (Jim Barach)

SCIENCE

Study of the Neanderthal genome at UC Santa Cruz has revealed that mating
between humans and Neanderthals may explain one of science's most persistent
mysteries: the existence of Glenn Beck. "We believe that sex between a human
and a Neanderthal may have resulted, some fifteen thousand years later, in
several of the Fox News Channel's primetime hosts, including Glenn Beck,"
said a leading genetic researcher at the university. But while sex between
humans and Neanderthals may explain the existence of the controversial Fox
host, other mysteries remain, the researcher said: "While it is likely that
a human would have sex with a Neanderthal, it is unclear who would have sex
with Glenn Beck." (Andy Borowitz)

Geneticists spent ten years and close to $4 million sequencing genomes from
ancient bones and have concluded many modern humans have neanderthal DNA.
Wouldn't it have been easier to watch a shift or two of Daniel Carcillo? (RJ
Currie)

Scientists save they have evidence of Neanderthals mating with humans.
Options: To use this to insult college sports teams, press 1. To use this to
insult Republicans, press 2. To use this to insult Democrats, press 3. To
insult any other organization or group of people, please hold the line and a
caveman will be with you shortly. (Jim-Bob Williams)

WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

Nashville remained submerged from the Cumberland River flood Friday.
Residents want federal attention. The president already declared Nashville a
disaster area, and that was three years ago when someone asked him if he
likes country-western music. (Argus Hamilton)

It was chilly in Times Square this weekend. The tourists were huddling
around smoking SUVs. (David Letterman)

HEALTH

The Department of Agriculture has decided to set new, stricter salmonella
standards for poultry. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure the standard
should just be "no salmonella allowed." (Jimmy Fallon)

A new study says five minutes alone with an attractive female can cause
dangerously high stress in males and is harmful to a man's health. This puts
Derek Jeter's life expectancy at about 40. (RJ Currie)

There's a doctor in Britain who lets his patients watch their favorite DVD
during surgery to distract them, and avoid the need for general anesthesia.
Here's how it works: it doesn't. (Jimmy Fallon)

Obesity-related illnesses cost around $150 billion a year, and cause
long-term health problems for our children. But on the plus side, the fatter
they are, the less likely it is that they'll run away from home. (Jimmy
Kimmel)

A study says The Pill lowers a woman's sex drive. After all these years, no
one had any idea that was the secret to how it prevents pregnancy. (Jim
Barach)

A new study found that a certain species of fish has a gene that can cause
STDs in humans. So if you get an embarrassing STD, you now have the perfect
excuse - just say you got it from that trout you slept with. (Jimmy Fallon)

Walgreens pharmacies are now selling the first over-the counter,
do-it-yourself, DNA testing kits. Really? I can't even get the cap off my
Flintstone vitamins. Chances are a do-it-yourself DNA test may be a little
over my head. (Frank King)

SPORTS

So it was 27 up, 27 down, in Oakland on Sunday. And by that I'm describing
the entire attendance during the seventh inning stretch. (Marc Ragovin)

How bad has the San Francisco Giants lineup looked lately? There's more
scoring when a bunch of guys from a video game convention hit the singles
bars. (Janice Hough)

The University of California football team will be playing their 2011 home
games at A T and T Park. S.F. Giants management would have actually
preferred to have a pro team as a temporary tenant instead of the Cal Bears,
but the USC Trojans declined their offer. (Janice Hough) - Tiger Woods swing
coach, Hank Haney, has resigned. He said that recent events made it clear
that Tiger was the last person who needed any help with his swinging.
(Janice Hough)

The NBA has approved the sale of the cellar-dwelling New Jersey Nets to
Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov. Already, the players are complaining
that he's changed their jerseys to read "New Jersey Nyets," the key is now
called the "Kiev" and their Gatorade has been replaced by borscht. (Bob
Mills)

What do you call the all-you-can-eat spread in the postgame clubhouse? A
Cecil Fielder's choice. (Dwight Perry)

ATHLETES

Not to say LeBron played like a quitter in the Cavaliers series against the
Celtics. But in truth, he looked less like a King and more like a Governor
of Alaska. (Janice Hough)

Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson has announced he's now a
Vegan. Hannibal Lecter, it's your move. (Frank King)

NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor admits paying for sex, and that he thought
the 16 year old girl he was with was 19. Of course, he's 51 so either he
broke the law or is just really creepy. (Jim Barach)

Former NFL star Lawrence Taylor was charged Thursday with raping a
16-year-old runaway. He was one of the best defensive players of all time. I
hope he's got some game left, because once in jail, he'll need to protect
his tight end again. (Pedro Bartes)

New York Giants legend Lawrence Taylor was fired by Nutrisystem after his
arrest last week. The company was shocked that he hired an underage hooker.
When you lose weight with Nutrisystem you are supposed to look good enough
to get underage girls for free. (Argus Hamilton)

NY Giants Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor has pleaded guilty to paying $300
for sex in a suburban Holiday Inn with a 16-year old prostitute. Not even
Tiger Woods frequented underage hookers, but then Tiger had an advantage --
athletes who keep their own score are better at counting. (Bob Mills)

Nutrisystem dropped Lawrence Taylor as an endorser one day after the Hall of
Famer's latest brush with the law. Fastest loss of 230 pounds the program
has ever produced. (Ian Hamilton)

It has been recommended that Brett Favre should have ankle surgery before he
can play in 2010, but he wants to get a second opinion from a good
paleontologist. (Janice Hough)

A lot of fans aren't sure whether Ken Griffey Jr. fell asleep during last
Saturday's game against the Angels. In last Wednesday's game against the
Canadiens, Sergei Gonchar of the Penguins left no doubt. (RJ Currie)

Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing has been suspended for a female
fertility drug. He'll be a 2-way player next season. Not only will he star
on defense, he'll also start as a cheerleader. (Alan Ray)

Tiger Woods withdrew from the TPC today with an injury. Well, if anyone has
had experience in learning when to pull out. (Janice Hough)

Tiger Woods' swing coach announced that he is quitting. Apparently he
discovered that Tiger had 19 other swing coaches around the country. (Jimmy
Kimmel)

Tiger Woods withdrew from the Players Championship yesterday and said, "I've
been playing with a bad neck for quite a while, I might have a bulging
disk." Then, reporters started giggling and Tiger had to repeat "I said
bulging disk. Come on guys, grow up." (Jimmy Fallon)

TMZ reports that a Manhattan strip club called Scores is promising LeBron
James a lifetime of free lap dances if he signs with the Knicks. This puts a
whole new spin on performance incentives. (RJ Currie)

Golfing star Lorena Ochoa announced her retirement at age 28. Well, there
goes the nickname Ochoa-sinko. (RJ Currie)

Outfielder Andrew Lambo, a top Dodgers minor-leaguer, has tested positive
for banned drugs a second time, thus earning himself a 50-game suspension.
He's about to become the designated sitter. (Tom FitzGerald)

ENTERTAINMENT

Playboy announced its June issue will feature centerfold Hope Dworaczyk in
3-D. Am I missing something here? I saw Hope on last April's cover; I
thought she was already 3D. (RJ Currie)

The June edition of Playboy magazine will be printed in 3-D. Haven't we had
that for a while? It's called a strip club. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The June edition of Playboy magazine comes equipped with 3-D glasses. The
words in all those articles we love so much practically jump right off the
page. ( Jerry Perisho)

"Robin Hood" is out in theaters this week. This folklore legend robs from
the rich and gives to the poor. Or, as Glenn Beck would say, "he's trying to
destroy Sherwood Forest." (Alan Ray)

"Robin Hood" with Russell Crowe and Kate Blanchett, the opening film of the
week-long Cannes Film Festival, has been slightly updated. While the story
still takes place in Sherwood Forest, Robin now steals from sub-prime
mortgage brokers and gives to first-time home buyers threatened by
foreclosure. (Bob Mills)

Iron Man 2 had an opening weekend of $133.6 million, fifth on the all-time
movie list. Here are three true record-setting iron men: 3. Brett Favre,
NFL, 309 consecutive starts; 2. Cal Ripken, MLB, 2,632 consecutive games; 1.
Wilt Chamberlain, NBA, 20,000 consecutive women. (RJ Currie)

"Iron Man 2" is opening this weekend. The bad guy is called "Whiplash." That
doesn't sound very scary to me. What does he do, drive people around and
then slam on the brakes? Whiplash can only be defeated by one thing: the
personal injury lawyer. (Craig Ferguson)

Disney is partnering with a South Korean company to launch a Korean-language
Disney channel. Mickey will still be known as "Mickey," and Minnie will
still be known as "Minnie." However, Pluto will now be known as "Delicious."
(Jimmy Fallon)

A "Planet of the Apes" prequel is coming out next summer called "Rise of the
Apes." It will cover the apes' growth, evolution, and the summer they spent
together at a house on the Jersey Shore. (Jimmy Fallon)

It's the beginning of the Cannes Film Festival. Everyone that matters in TV
and movies is in Cannes right now - which explains why I'm here. The top
prize at the festival is the "Palme d'Or." It sounds fancy but it translates
to "straight to DVD." The judges gave Roman Polanski the Palme d'Or a few
years ago. That was back when Polanski wanted to appear before judges.
(Craig Ferguson)

"American Idol" is the BP oil spill of television. No matter what we do with
it, we cannot get it to stop. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The Grand Ole Opry House has been stripped down to its concrete foundation
in order to complete repairs making it full and robust. It's basically the
same thing they did to Dolly Parton. (Jerry Perisho)

ENTERTAINERS

Bobby Brown got engaged over the weekend. They say it's the first time he's
been on one knee without the help of a police taser. (Jimmy Kimmel)

A porn star from Poland claims that she has been having an affair with Mel
Gibson. I thought Mel would have gone for a German. (Craig Ferguson)

Dennis Quaid gained 35 pounds to play Bill Clinton in an upcoming HBO film.
And he didn't have to gain as much as the actress playing Monica Lewinsky.
(Pedro Bartes)

OTHER CELEBRITIES

Tyra Banks is writing a new series of kids' books. She is the first
supermodel to write a kids' book since Kate Moss wrote "Green Eggs and
Crack." (Craig Ferguson)

THE MEDIA

Barbara Walters will undergo heart surgery later this week to fix a faulty
valve. She described the operation as "woutine." (Tim Hunter)

Larry King and his wife are now not getting a divorce. Apparently there was
a scheduling conflict with his next wedding. (David Letterman)

Larry King and his wife are not getting divorced despite allegations of
cheating. The family spokesman said Larry loves his wife, and loves being a
family, and when they started to divide the property, he realized how
ridiculous he would look wearing only one suspender. (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE INTERNET

Twitter has patched a major bug that allowed users to add others to their
list of followers without their consent or to remove followers from others'
Twitter sites. In non-tech terms, a Twitterer could have lost so many of his
Tweetees, that he might have been forced to get a life. (Bob Mills)

EDUCATION

The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the
state's school chief saying public schools shouldn't encourage students to
resent a particular race. That is the job of talk radio. (Jim Barach)

Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed a bill that removes any courses from the
state's schools that "advocate ethic solidarity and promote chauvinism and
racial resentment toward whites." She signed the law on the lawn of the
state capital below a burning cross while wearing a pillow case with eye
holes. (Bob Mills)

HISTORY

Oprah did her show from New York to celebrate the 10th anniversary of O
magazine. Dr. Phil allowed them to shave his moustache, which is currently
being used to sop up oil in the Gulf. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Happy birthday to the birth control pill, which turns 50 years old this
week. You know what that means? If you're 51, there's a good chance that
your parents didn't want you. (Jay Leno)

This week is the 50th anniversary of the birth control pill. At least, I'm
like 99 percent sure it is. (Jimmy Fallon)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A Picasso painting of his mistress titled Nude, Green Leaves and Bust sold
for a record price of $106.5 million. It beat the previous record price for
a bust set in 2004 by Garcon a la Pipe and in 2007 by JaMarcus Russell. (RJ
Currie)

A physics professor recently noticed a 99-year-old error in the Oxford
English Dictionary that mistakenly defines the word "siphon." In response,
Oxford has sent the man a certificate, which correctly defines the word
"nerd." (Jimmy Fallon)

HOLIDAYS

We have Mother's Day this weekend, but it's also National Cheeseburger
Month. That shows you our priorities in this country - moms get one day,
cheeseburgers get a whole month. (Jay Leno)

According to a new study, a telephone call from your mom helps to relieve
stress. There really is nothing more soothing than, "How come I never hear
from you?" (David Letterman)

POLLS & SURVEYS

A survey says that one in four young adults has used a hookah or what rich
people call a bong. The other three say they have never paid for sex. (Jim
Barach)

A new study says that 77 percent of people admitted using their phones while
driving. The other 23 percent are lying. (Craig Ferguson)

A report found that hotel guests ordered fewer movies in the first quarter
of this year than last year. That probably has something to do with the fact
that golf has gotten so "porny." (Jimmy Fallon)

A study says that woman who marry younger men may die earlier. That prompted
the government to place cougars on the endangered species list. (Jim Barach)

A survey found that 20 percent of parents have second thoughts on the name
they gave their baby. But that doesn't mean we love you any less, little
Adolf Jonas Brothers McGillicutty. (Jimmy Fallon)




Compiled by Stan Kegel
skegel@socal.rr.com