Weakly Humerus News 01-30-10

Weakly Humerus News 01-30-10


WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 01-30-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Now that the Democrats have lost their super majority, health care
is in Limbaugh. (Robert Stupple)

It used to be that you’d get nervous seeing a cop in your rearview
mirror. Now you worry if it’s a Toyota. (Bill Mihalic)

Should we be that that surprised that John Edwards fathered an illegitimate
child? He was late in deciding to pull out of Iraq too. (Janice Hough)

Wouldn't you think millions in development at Apple might have resulted
in a name that doesn't sound like a feminine hygiene product. The iPad
only stores 64GB of data. For days that you need more power will Apple
come up with the "iMaxipad"? And where is the large screen version for
seniors, "iDepends? " And will a version targeted to men be known as
"iFlomax"? (Janice Hough)

The man who shot Pope Paul II in 1981 has been released from prison,
telling reporters that he's a messenger from God and that Armageddon
will occur this year. His release was delayed until authorities were
sure he wasn't mentally deranged. (Bob Mills)

President Obama tells ABC News' Diane Sawyer that he'd rather be a
"really good one term president" than a "mediocre two term president."
And Republicans immediately offered their help to make Obama's wish
come true. (Pedro Bartes)

Heidi Montag told People Magazine she had 10 plastic surgery procedures
in one day, including having her breast size increased to DDD. I'm not
saying she's more or less of a fake than Mark McGwire, just that she's
a lot more up front about it. (RJ Currie)

President Obama gave his State of the Union Address Wednesday night.
He reminded the nation that many are still struggling to keep their
jobs. Talking about Democrats in Congress. (Alan Ray)

A new poll shows that 90 percent of Republicans who did not hear President
Obama's State of the Union address disagreed with it. (Andy Borowitz)

The media is reporting that Tiger Woods is in a sex rehab camp. A camp?
Do they go around chanting "Two, four, six, eight, we don't need to
fornicate? (Janice Hough)

Well, we are now into President Obama's second year in office. He has
three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether.
So, we'll see what happens. (Jimmy Fallon)

THE STATE OF THE UNION

Tomorrow night, President Obama will give his State of the Union address.
The White House says the speech will focus on American jobs. So, I guess
he's going to talk a lot about India. (Jay Leno)

President Obama said that people should reward success instead of failure.
President Obama really is a superhero: Captain Obvious. (Alex Schubert)

In his speech, President Obama said, No. 1 priority, saving jobs. His job,
Joe Biden’s, Harry Reid’s, Nancy Pelosi’s… (Jay Leno)

During his State of the Union speech Wednesday night, President Obama said,
"I don't quit!" Nobody knew he was talking about the speech. (Jerry Perisho)

After the president spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during
which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of
the problems they created under President Bush. (Jimmy Kimmel)

And you know what annoys me? Republicans are all criticizing President Obama
for using a teleprompter when he gives a speech. Is that a big deal, using
the teleprompter? You know, after eight years of George Bush, I'm glad we
have a president who can read. (Jay Leno)

MSNBC's Chris Matthews said after the State of the Union address he forgot
Obama was black for an hour. He must be shooting for that sweet 11:35 time
slot on MSKKK. (Bill Williams)

PRESIDENT OBAMA

After the world champion Lakers visited the White House Monday, Kobe Bryant
returned for a private meeting with Barack Obama Tuesday. Apparently the
President wanted to talk to someone who knows how it feels to never pass
anything. (Janice Hough)

President Obama's approval rating has dropped 17 points since his inauguration.
At this rate, the only person Obama will be able to beat in the 2012 election
is Martha Coakley. (Jake Novak)

President Obama has now been called for jury duty in Chicago. I think he
should go. I mean, the economy is in bad shape. We could use five bucks
a day. Every little bit helps. (Jay Leno)

President Obama says he blames himself for the upset in the Massachusetts Senate
race because he was too remote. Meanwhile, today in Arizona, John McCain couldn't
find his remote. (David Letterman)

THE CONGRESS

You guys following the big healthcare fight? Not going well for the Democrats
at all. Nancy Pelosi said yesterday that the House doesn't have enough votes
to pass the Senate's healthcare bill. A few more elections and the House won't
have Nancy Pelosi either. (Jimmy Fallon)

On Congress' latest brainstorm to fund health care: They're going to bet
a trillion dollars against the San Diego Chargers before their next playoff
game. (Brad Dickson)

And learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown.
Well, you probably know this. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Yeah,
isn't that amazing? He's got it backwards. First you get elected to the
Senate, then you get caught with your pants down. It's the other way. He seems
to be very confused. (Jay Leno)

THE COURTS, CIVIL RIGHTS & THE CONSTITUTION

The Supreme Court ruled in a five votes to four decision that corporations
can now spend as much as they want on political campaigns. In other words,
if Exxon or Dow wants to support a candidate, they can give him or her as
much money as they want. I can't see that having any negative repercussions,
can you? (Jimmy Kimmel)

THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

A Nazi group in Colorado is participating in the federal Adopt-A-Highway
program. It's not clear what their intentions are, but the last time this
happened it was on a road that led into Czechoslovakia. (Jim Barach)

69% of San Diego's city payroll goes to retired workers. The other 31%
goes to mental health care workers trying to help people get over the
Chargers. (Jake Novak)

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that California can save money by no
longer incarcerating illegal immigrants and just sending them to Mexico
instead. Well, actually, today, the immigrants had three words for
Schwarzenegger — "I'll be back." (Jay Leno)

U.S. POLITICS

A poll says the majority of American people are fed up with the government.
Apparently the results of that poll haven't changed since around 1792
(Jim Barach)

Vote Republican. We haven't suffered enough! (Lisa Casey)

U.S. POLITICIANS

Scott Brown's Senate win fueled speculation that Red Sox star Curt Schilling
may run against John Kerry in two years. The pitcher won the World Series
for Boston while his ankle bled through his socks, trusting it would clot
eventually. Curt Schilling has never run for office and today he's the author
of the GOP health care plan. (Argus Hamilton)

John McCain's wife and her daughter, Meghan, have posed for pictures endorsing
gay marriage here in California, although Senator McCain — well, he's still
very traditional. He believes marriage should be between an older man and a
really hot-looking younger woman. (Jay Leno)

John Edwards has finally admitted that he is the father of the child of his
mistress. Apparently the best way to deal with the "two Americas" is to have
one family for each. (Jim Barach)

Erectile dysfunction can be a blessing. I’ll bet now John Edwards wishes
he had had it. (Janice Hough)

John Edwards and his wife have reportedly legally separated. They are supposed
to split 50/50; they will get one America each. (Pedro Bartes)

Some sad news. Elizabeth Edwards announced she had separated from her husband.
Of course, John Edwards was shocked. "What, I was married, what?" Well, John
Edwards said today, he's looking forward to moving on with his life, meeting
someone special and then cheating on them. (Jay Leno)

John and Elizabeth Edwards have legally separated. He got the house, cars and
visitation rights with the kids. But she got him where it hurts: the blow
dryer and the mirror. (Bill Williams)

Gawker.com reported yesterday there's a sex tape of former senator
John Edwards having sex with his former mistress Rielle Hunter. It is
not that exciting; Edwards stops having sex every two seconds to ask
for a make-up and hair artists. (Pedro Bartes)

John and Elizabeth Edwards have separated. For years Elizabeth Edwards
has lived with a debilitating form of cancer. John Edwards. (Alan Ray)

There's a sex tape featuring John Edwards. And here some people thought
Barack Obama made a potentially embarrasing choice for V. P. by picking
Joe Biden. (Janice Hough)

Sarah Palin, the ex-Governor of Alaska, Republican Vice Presidential
candidate and current Fox News contributor has just landed in Tahiti,
French Polynesia. "I'm here to help out in the earth-quake disaster
relief in any way I can," said Palin, as she rolled up her sleeves
and unpacked her Winchester 12 gauge pump action shotgun. When told
that the earth quake had struck Haiti, not Tahiti, Palin responded
by saying, "Gosh, I thought I had heard that they spoke French here...?"
Palin then offered to assist the French Polynesians by teaching an
"Abstinence Only" class at the local high school. Palin was last seen
standing by the shore, peering out over the water, and proclaiming,
"Isn't that Fairbanks on the horizon...?"(Queen Pollymouth)

Sarah Palin and her daughter Bristol, mother of an illegitimate son,
appeared on "Oprah" to preach sexual abstanance prior to marriage.
Next week, Mark Maguire will appear to talk about abstaining from
steroid injections until you're out of the minors. (Bob Mills)

TAXES & THE ECONOMY

U. S. wages in 2009 saw the smallest rise on record at only 1.5%.
And that's only because Wall Street executive bonuses were enough
to bring the entire national average up that high. (Jim Barach)

More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on
its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the C. E.O. of
Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: "What? When
did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous." (Jay Leno)

BUSINESS & LABOR

Toyota dealers have been swamped with calls about vehicles that may
have uncontrollable acceleration problems. The dealers tell them,
"Hurry on in"; like Toyota drivers have a choice. (Jerry Perisho)

Toyota has stopped making and selling some models of vehicles which
have had problems with sticking accelerators. The cars all of a sudden
speed up for no reason. Which is the opposite from GM vehicles which
just sit there no matter how hard you step on the gas pedal. (Jim Barach)

Apple introduced their newest product Wednesday; the iPad. It's an
iPhone on steroids; something Mark McGwire might like. (Jerry Perisho)

Steve Jobs unveiled yesterday the new Apple Tablet called the i-Pad.
You know that Microsoft will try to launch a better product like
they did with the Zune and will come up with their own version:
The Maxi-Pad - it has wings! (Pedro Bartes)

The i-Pad is not practical, only to be used once a month.
(Pedro Bartes)

Everybody is saying how wonderful the "tactile experience" (of the iPad)
is, and how it is going to revolutionize the way people interact. I can't
wait, because so far my attempts at "tactile experiences" resulted in
restraining orders. (Maurizio Mariotti)

Walmart is laying off 11,000 employees at Sam's Club warehouse stores.
They were just going to let go 1,000. But the pink slips only come in
extra large quantities. (Alan Ray)

Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's
cheaper to fire people in bulk. That's an amazing amount of people:
11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English,
so everybody kept showing up for work. (Jay Leno)

There's a new beef jerky that's combined with caffeine. Why stop there?
Just add some tobacco, sugar and chili on top and save us all the trip
to 7-Eleven. (Neil Berliner)

IMMIGRATION, SECURITY & TERRORISM

The rumor from Afghanistan is they are close to capturing Osama bin Laden;
they plan to subdue him and torture him mercilessly. That's right, NBC will
give Osama their 10:00 PM spot. (Alex Kaseberg)

The Taliban is trying to soften their image to appeal to the people
of Afghanistan. And in fact, Mullah Omar, who's one of their managers,
I think, issued a new code of conduct which dictates that there will
be no suicide bombings against Afghani civilians, no burning down
schools, and no cutting off the ears, nose, or tongue. That seems
reasonable to me. (Jimmy Fallon)

Security programs for the New York City subways are in disarray,
according to a report. The subways are actually the safest place
on the planet. First, terrorists would have to get past the urine
stench to board, then cope with being groped on the trains and then
escape the tunnel without being mugged. (Jim Barach)

LATIN AMERICA & THE CARIBBIAN

Things are getting worse for the poor little kids in Haiti; not only
did they suffer an Earthquake, but now they have to suffer the
humiliation of wearing the Vikings and Jets Super Bowl Jerseys.
(Pedro Bartes)

An anti-Hugo Chavez channel has been removed from cable systems in
Venezuela. Broadcasting experts were shocked. They had no idea that
Fox News was on in South America. (Jim Barach)

UNITED KINGDOM

Great Britain has proposed a half a billion dollar fund to create jobs
for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. The program is
called "Moolah for Mullahs." (Jay Leno)

According to a study conducted by Great Britain's National Health Service
in response to excessive drinking in Scotland, Scottish adults over 18
drink the alcoholic equivalent of 46 bottles of vodka or 130 bottles of
wine annually, 25% more than adults in England and Wales. Which came
as somewhat of a shock to many Brits, most of whom never suspected
Amy Winehouse of being Scottish. (Bob Mills)

THE MIDDLE EAST

The state of Israel soon turns 62, meaning, it won't be long before
it moves to Florida. (Amy Poehler)

A survey says that 70% of Afghans say their country is moving in the
right direction. It's Afghanistan. In which other direction could it
possibly go? (Jim Barach)

President Barack Obama has sent Vice President Joe Biden to Iraq to
help settle a dispute over their upcoming March political elections.
The leading candidates are former Sunni Sheiks and former Shiite Sheiks,
but with a Democrat being sent to secure the elections, I've got
my money on the Tea Party candidates. (Frank King)

ASIA

China has no defense against our most potent weapon. If they declare
war, we declare Chapter Eleven. (Argus Hamilton)

China shut down the nation's number-one condom factory Thursday. State
quality inspectors caught workers cutting costs by using animal fat for
latex lubricant. It's the first Trojan scandal in ten years that doesn't
involve recruiting violations. (Argus Hamilton)

THE WEATHER & THE ENVIRONMENT

It's been raining here in Los Angeles all week. People are evacuating
their homes in areas that are vulnerable to mudslides. Is it me or has
this state had nothing but disasters since Arnold Schwarzenegger took
over as governor? We may need to throw him into a volcano, because
it's getting ridiculous. (Jimmy Fallon)

SPORTS

Another Wikpedia mistake discovered. The current entry for the Nets
starts out: “The New Jersey Nets are a professional basketball team.”
(Janice Hough)

The Nets, 4-40, now take on the Washington Wizards, 14-30, on Friday night.
"May the best team win" somehow doesn't seem like an appropriate comment.
For serious fans of professional NBA basketball, watching the Nets-Wizards
game has to be as appealing as it would be for conservatives to watch a
Nancy Pelosi-Hillary Clinton debate (Janice Hough)

L. A. Dodger and Gold Glover Matt Kemp was vacationing in Mexico with
singer and model Rihanna. Man, that's what I call a fielder's choice!
(RJ Currie)

Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints.
They're going to the Super Bowl. The Saints beat the Vikings. Former
President George Bush Sr., he was at the game. Now, his son George W.
was invited. But you know him, when it comes to New Orleans, he's
always, like, two weeks late. (Jay Leno)

Not only is Peyton Manning the best quarterback in football, he is also
the best offensive coordinator and the best head coach. He makes up every
play, from scratch, as he walks to the line. (Scott Ostler)

Viking fans have been having a very tough time every since New Orleans
beat Minnesota in NFC Championship Game. Not only did their team lose,
but Brett Favre has retired and unretired six times since the game
ended. (Jake Novak)

Today I had the Minnesota Vikings breakfast, it's five different
kinds of turnovers. (Jay Leno)

Football reflects the worst of American society. Violence, punctuated
by committee meetings. (George Will)

Tennessee Volunteer fans rioted, defaced property and set things on fire
when Lane Kiffin announced he was leaving to coach USC. Wouldn't it have
been enough just to slap his two faces? (RJ Currie)

The All-American Basketball Alliance announced earlier this week its
plan to launch a whites-only basketball team. Finally a chance for
Rush Limbaugh to become the owner of a sports team! (Pedro Bartes)

For the second time in six months, John Daly has announced he is done
with golf. He says he will, however, make an exception for the AT&T
Pro-Am, with his partner Brett Favre. (Janice Hough)

ATHLETES

Tiger Woods appears nude from the waist up on the cover of the current
issue of Vanity Fair magazine. A revealing article alleges that he
"enjoyed girl-on-girl and mild S&M, and once sent a text message that
said "Go to the bathroom and take a picture." Which is exactly what
he's going to end up with after the divorce. (Bob Mills)

Tiger Woods denied reports that he had changed his ringtone to
"Pants on the Ground." (Andy Borowitz)

PGA golfer Scott McCarron has accused Phil Mickelson of cheating for
using a wedge with outlawed square grooves. It's the first time in
months that talk of a cheating golfer wasn't about Tiger Woods.
(Jim Barach)

Brett Favre's costly late interception against the Saints has been
compared to his pick in overtime of the 2008 NFC Championship
against the Giants. It was deja-threw all over again. (RJ Currie)

Miguel Tejada was 31 years old when he left the Orioles in 2007.
Two years later, he returns to the Orioles at age 35. Explain.
(David Thomas)

Greg Oden is the latest NBA player facing embarrassment after nude
pictures surfaced on the internet. No word on the rumor that Greg
Oden and Gilbert Arenas will be teaming up to star in a movie sequel
of “Naked Gun.” (Janice Hough)

Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden is apologizing for nude photos
of him that have surfaced on the internet. I saw the pictures and I
finally understand why his knees are always injured. His junk probably
keeps on hitting against them all the time. (Pedro Bartes)

Nude photos of Portland Trailblazers center Greg Oden, taken with a
cell phone, have surfaced on the Internet. The photos are just further
proof that it gets very, very cold in Portland. Fans in Portland will
never again refer to him as their "big man". (Jerry Perisho)

Venus Williams was knocked out of the Australian Open just days after
rampant speculation she was playing without underwear. I'm not saying
the loss was in the stars, but I was pretty sure I saw a Venus moon
rising. (RJ Currie)

Grant Desme, a 23-year-old Athletics farmhand, says he's quitting
baseball to enter the Catholic priesthood. In other words, he just
traded himself to the Padres. (Dwight Perry)

A top prospect in the Oakland A's organization, Grant Desme, has
left baseball to join the priesthood. Which is surprising: Normally
the only people who give up on baseball for a life of prayer are
Cubs fans. (Janice Hough)

ENTERTAINMENT

Pete Townshend of The Who says they'll play a medley of the group's
hits when they play at halftime in the Super Bowl. Probably because,
at their age, they can't remember all of the lyrics to any one of
their songs. (Frank King)

A movie shot entirely by chimpanzees will be aired by the BBC.
Apparently the British stole the idea after watching a couple
of nights of NBC prime time. (Jim Barach)

It would be nice during the new movie "Tooth Fairy" if everybody
in the theater finds a quarter under the seat when they wake up.
(Doug Johnson)

ENTERTAINERS
.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have broken up for real, this time.
There is still a big battle ahead over custody of the vanity mirrors.
Brad gets full control of his tanning bed locations, while Angelina
maintains control of her collagen factory. (Jerry Perisho)

Sandra Bullock won another Best Actress Award for her role as an
evangelical Christian woman in The Blind Side. This is unfamiliar
territory for movie stars. George Clooney turned down The Oral
Roberts Story when he learned it wasn't a gay role. (Argus Hamilton)

A picture of Madonna and her naked boyfriend appeared online yesterday.
And today Republicans called Madonna and asked if her boyfriend would
be interested in running for a senate seat. (Pedro Bartes)

Mel Gibson is releasing his first on screen performance in seven and
a half years. It is called the most powerful, emotional and rage
filled performance since his drunk driving arrest video. (Jim Barach)

Actor Kiefer Sutherland got caught up in a fraudulent cattle purchasing
scam and may have lost over $800,000. Sutherland thought a cattle drive
involved a cow, a high-speed chase, a hail of bullets, and huge ransom
at the other end. Jack Bauer was willing to waterboard the cows,
but they'll never talk. (Jerry Perisho)

Keith Richards's doctor has recommended he give up drinking. Ironically,
Richards has outlived the previous three doctors to who prescribed the
same thing. (Michael Picard)

We all love celebrity birthdays. You know whose birthday it is today?
Yakov Smirnoff. Famous Russian comedian, 59 years old, and he celebrated.
Spent the entire day waving to Sarah Palin. (David Letterman)

Gary Coleman was arrested in Utah for a domestic disturbance. The actor
doesn't fare well in the justice system. No matter what the case is,
he's always tried in small claims court (Alan Ray)

MEDIA & THE INTERNET

Fox News was the only News network that didn't broadcast the Hope for
Haiti benefit show. Fox didn't need to do it; they already did a lot
for Haiti; if Pat Robertson was right, Fox News helped Haiti to get
rid of the French. (Pedro Bartes)

Conan O'Brien got thirty-three million dollars from NBC to leave the
Tonight Show and not to criticize the network. His future monologues
will be very restricted. Under the agreement he is only allowed to
discuss the weather and everybody's health. (Argus Hamilton)

A poll says that Americans trust Fox News above other networks.
Mostly because you can trust Fox News to always give the Republican
point of view. (Jim Barach)

While Jay Leno issued a statement that he didn't think a 10 pm slot
"was a good idea at the time," while Conan O'Brien told his audience
"There are rumors that I'm legally prohibited from saying anything
negative about NBC, so good night, ladies and gentlemen." Then he
flew to Haiti to buy up their surplus dolls and pins. (Bob Mills)


OTHER CELEBRITIES

J. D. Salinger has passed away and he will be missed. Then again,
being a loner, he was always missed. (Gil Stern)

Reportedly Elin Woods was a guest of the Favres in the past week.
No wonder she can't make up her mind whether to leave Tiger or not.
(Bill Littlejohn) (Janice Hough)

Gayle Haggart, wife of defrocked televangelist Ted who was caught
cavorting with a male hooker, says her husband is now straight.
She credits prayer, years of therapy and a dearth of new Broadway
show tunes. (Bob Mills)

Sadly, the super couple, Brad and Angelina, Brangelina is no more.
Maybe Kirsty Ally will hook up with ex-Raider QB, Jim Plunkett,
to form the new super couple: Kirplunkett. (Alex Kaseberg)

CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

Now that Nevada has the first legalized male prostitute for women,
there are some questions: is he at risk of becoming a sex addict
or a workaholic? Can he get fired for sleeping on the job? Will he
let his clients down? What about sexual harassment in the work place?
If he does an inadequate job, will he be given a severance package?
(Alex Kaseberg)

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. Women,
for $50 he talks dirty to you, for $100 he has sex with you, and
for $500 he'll take you shopping and tell you your butt looks skinny
in those jeans. (Alex Kaseberg)

The U. S. fertility rate is 50% higher than that of Europe and Asia.
It's actually about even if you exclude the Octomom and Kate plus
eight. (Jim Barach)

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, a student lost her
balance and fell into a Picasso painting, tearing it. Officials
say she can either pay for the damages or they can chop off one
of her ears. (Jerry Perisho)

A museum visitor recently ripped and practically destroyed a Picasso
portrait. It looks terrible now; one eye is four inches above the
other and the nose is nothing but a triangle. (Neil Berliner)

HOLIDAYS

PETA wants the organizers of Pennsylvania's Feb. 2 Ground Hog Day
festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic likeness.
If the robot sees its shadow, it means 6 more weeks of replacing
worn out "D" batteries. (Jerry Perisho)



Compiled by Stan Kegel
skegel@socal.rr.com