Midlife Crisis #263: St. Sukie the Anti-Christ

Midlife Crisis #263: St. Sukie the Anti-Christ
By St. Sukie de la Croix
Copyright by Chicago Free Press
May 20, 2009
http://www.chicagofreepress.com/node/3518


One thing I’ve noticed about getting older is that as time passes I learn more about myself—more of my innermost secrets are revealed to me. Most gay people insist their sexuality emerged at a young age. Mine unfolded over several years. When I was 10 I thought I was a female trapped in a male body; at 14 I found I was a male screaming to get out of a female’s body; at 18 I decided I was a woman trapped in a fat ugly male body; at 21 I discovered I was a fat ugly woman hiding inside a man’s fat ugly body; at 30 I discovered I was a hot muscular man with a huge dick trapped in the body of a fat lesbian; but it wasn’t until I was 45 that I discovered my true self—a male to male transsexual fuck-up with gender issues and the hungriest pussy in town.

I learn new things about myself every day, e.g., only last week, I discovered that I’m sexually attracted to female otters—it’s a long story and I’m not going into it here; that the only thing that makes me truly happy is chocolate; that sitting down on an electric lemon squeezer is more fun than it should be and nothing to be ashamed about; and I’ve also touched-base with St. Sukie the Anti-Christ, my Disney Villain within.

It’s no big secret that I use Disney World as a spiritual retreat. I visit two or three times a year—Snow White’s Scary Adventures in the Magic Kingdom is mental floss and cleans out all the crusty crud that clogs up my mind. But I never realized I harbored a Disney villain within who was not taking any homophobic bullshit from anyone … anymore … anyhow.

Every time I stay in a Disney hotel the first thing I do when I get to my room is remove the Holy Bible from the bedside table, take it outside and throw it in the trash. This time, however, I flipped out, stormed off to Guest Services, burst into the lobby with steam coming out my ears, while thunder cracked over my head and I turned into a purple fire-breathing dragon and landed in front of a terrified woman sitting behind the desk, who sensed, quite rightly, that something was up. You could cut the air with a knife.

“I am a homosexual and the Walt Disney Company has left a death threat in my room.” I dropped the Holy Bible in front of her. “This book says homosexuals should be put to death.”

“But Sir we put a Bible in every room.”

“So you’re telling everyone it’s OK to put me to death. What kind of welcome to Disney World is this? You’re inciting violence against me. Is that legal? I’ll ask my lawyer. Do I have to go to Orlando and buy myself a gun to protect myself from other guests in the hotel or Disney employees who think—according to this book—that it’s OK to kill me? Does Disney advocate the killing of homosexuals, or not?”

“No sir, of course not?”

“Then why did you put this death threat in my room?”

So it went on. I suggest next time you visit Disney World you return the Holy Bible death threat to Guest Services and demand an explanation. And take a weapon to protect yourself.

Contact St. Sukie de la Croix at stcroix@chicagowhispers.com or you can find him at your own peril on facebook.