WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-15-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 08-15-09 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Rick Patino admits that he was drinking, had sex, and paid for an abortion for a woman accused of trying to extort $10 million from him. In other words, he was preparing his players for the NBA. (Jerry Wolski)

Dick Cheney now says that he was "frustrated" with George W. Bush. Well, so much for all those who say our former V. P. is out of touch with the country? (Janice Hough)

Michael Vick has signed a deal with the Philadelphia Beagles, err, Eagles. Eagles opponents are now brushing up on their mad
dog blitzing schemes. To clarify, Michael Vick will be playing for the NFL Philadelphia Eagles, not the band. The Eagles band
expressed less interest in Vick than the band Three Dog Night. (Alex Kaseberg)

Nancy Pelosi compared foes of health care reform to Hitler, which prompted Rush Limbaugh to compare Barack Obama to Hitler. They sound like toddlers. Sometimes you just want to pat them both on the head and say if they behave they can both be Hitler. (Argus Hamilton)

Ryan O'Neal apologized for hitting on his own daughter, saying that he would do the honorable thing like Woody Allen and marry her. (Andy Borowitz)

Beginning in September, a department store in London will begin serving "The Sex Pistol", a "Viagra" ice cream packed with ginkgo biloba and guarana, guaranteed to boost your libido. It will be served in a 12-inch cup. (Jerry Perisho)

I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true. (Eric Presbrey)

If the President announced a plan to cure cancer, the Republican headline response would be "Obama plans to put thousands of doctors out of work." (Janice Hough)

Congressional testimony and e-mails now show that Karl Rove and others played an early and active role in the 2006 firings of
dozens of U.S. Attorneys, making Rove a hero to millions of Americans who never believed they'd ever see lawyers get fired
by anyone. (Jake Novak)

The President of ABC in under fire because he said Paula Abdul is a huge talent and if Fox doesn't want her, ABC "would love
to get a piece of that." (Alex Kaseberg)

Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face. (Jimmy Fallon)

NATIONAL HEALTH CARE

President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan now to senior citizens. And yesterday, at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not "pull the plug on Grandma." Then, there was an awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed. (Conan O'Brien)

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless,
vampire bastards making money off human pain.' (Bill Maher)

Encouraged by their ability to disrupt a week's worth of town hall meetings on health care, Republican organizers have secured the services of a Hollywood casting director to conduct a nationwide talent search for angry assholes. Carol Foyler, who has stocked numerous Hollywood films with angry mobs for crowd scenes, says that she is looking for people who are "willing to shout and scream and get red in the face with no provocation." (Andy Borowitz)

President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to "pull the plug on Grandma." Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. (Conan O'Brien)

And now, there's actual fist-fights that are breaking out in the town hall meetings. And I have to say this, if you get injured while fighting against health care, you have to lie there and bleed. You just do. I'm sorry. (Bill Maher)

You know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants
for their mistresses so they think, "We don't want it. We don't need it.'" (David Letterman)

Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings across the country. They've been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama's new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful protesting. (Jimmy Fallon)

The focus was on the national healthcare plan that is working through Congress. He needed to made a strong case tonight - 50% are in favor of the universal healthcare and the other 50% have coverage." --Jimmy Kimmel

I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside, Arkansas, doesn't have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is leeches and moonshine and you're worried about socialism? Oh, Lord. (Bill Maher)

President Obama held a Q & A session about healthcare reform with senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave ovens. (Conan O'Brien)

The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends. (Jimmy Kimmel)

We're learning more and more about Obama's healthcare plan, and if it passes, the healthcare plan, if that passes, President Obama will have the governor of South Carolina neutered. Did you realize that? (David Letterman)

It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech. (Bill Maher)

THE ADMINISTRATION

Vice President Joe Biden and his wife Jill are in Kiawah Island, South Carolina, for a week-long vacation. They're saying it's the most relaxing vacation Obama has ever had. (Jimmy Fallon)

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is promising that if health care reform is pased, "no one will ever have to declare bankruptcy because of medical bills again"... great news for everyone who smokes a carton of cigarettes and eats 10 Big Macs a day. (Jake Novak)

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya for a trade summit on Thursday when a Nairobi man offered her forty goats and forty cows for Chelsea's hand in marriage. Of course she wouldn't consider it. One more goat in the family is the last thing Hillary needs. (Argus Hamilton)

THE ECONOMY

During his weekly radio address, President Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors. (-Jimmy Fallon)

The number of foreclosures hit a record high in July... as thousands of angry Americans flocked to health care town halls and forgot to pay their mortgages. (Jake Novak)

A government report says that it costs nearly a quarter million dollars to raise a child from birth to 17 years old. And that is
just the cost of video games and cell phone service. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS

John Edwards will apparently admit he is the father of his ex-mistress's baby. Should we be surprised? He was late in deciding to pull out of Iraq too. (Janice Hough)

Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced
he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, "I'm sick of
the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa
and a chimichanga." (Conan O'Brien)

THE COURTS

Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one third of the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from "All rise" to "Hey, I'm judging over here!" (Conan O'Brien)

THE STATES

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill that will ban gold miners from using gas-powered tools to look for gold in rivers. Once again, it's Arnold versus the machines. (Jimmy Kimmel)

Jenny Sanford, the wife of the South Carolina governor has moved out of the governor's mansion. We don't know where she moved to, but we're pretty sure it wasn't South America. Actually, she didn't tell her husband she was moving out. She told him she was going on a long hike. (Tim Hunter)

California Attorney General Jerry Brown proposed a thirteen percent flat tax to fix the U.S. economy. He has his motives. It will really help California tourism when every woman in the state gets breast implants to avoid paying a flat tax. (Argus Hamilton)

LOCAL NEWS

A Pennsylvania man was convicted for groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World. He apologized and claimed he was just being goofy. (Pedro Bartes)

At an Oregon A.T.M. machine a mouse had built a nest out of $20 bills. This may not be a bad thing - the last time a mouse built a nest out of money it was called Disneyland. (Doug Austen)

THE REPUBLICANS

Taking a page from the Sarah Palin playbook, all 219 Republicans in Congress quit today, effective immediately. "We believe we can do more to help this country outside of the government," said former House Minority Leader John Boehner, who was holding a 4-iron. "Because, like Sarah said, fish have to swim and stuff. You betcha." (William K. Wolfrum)

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words. (Conan O'Brien)

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

Betsey Wright, former chief-of-staff for Bill Clinton when he was governor of Arkansashas been charged with attempting to smuggle 48 tattoo needles to a condemned prisoner waiting to die on Arkansas's death row. The inmate told reporters he just wanted to make sure that he had "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" printed across his chest. (Bob Mills)

In an unbelievably daring heist, three men, dressed impeccably, walked into a London jewelry store and swiped $65 million worth of precious gems. In a related story, today the Democrats announced they finally secured the down payment to finance their health care plan. (Frank King)

SECURITY & TERRORISM

The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers began searching for World War I chemical weapons buried in Washington D.C. The diggers halted work when they found mustard gas in a flask. Even ninety years ago people brought their own refreshments to football games. (Argus Hamilton)

MEXICO & LATIN AMERICA

Earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles. (Conan O'Brien)

Mexican drug gangs were reported Monday stealing oil from Mexico pipelines and smuggling the oil across the border. It's easy to smuggle. They melt the oil down to powder form, then dye the powder white, and the border patrol just waves it through. (Argus Hamilton)


SCIENCE & HEALTH

Doctors say propofol, the drug reportedly at the center of the Michael Jackson death investigation, is only to be used outside
of operating rooms in extreme cases … like when Keith Richards stubs a toe. (Todd Long)

Officials of the American Psychological Association have warned their 150,000 member psychologists and mental health workers that gay patients should never be advised that they can change their sexual orientation by undergoing certain therapies. Some religious fundamentalists had suggested that gays could be made "straight" through a combination of prayer and lifestyle changes, that included destroying Liza Mannelli, Bette Midler and Broadway show tune albums and avoiding mens' restrooms frequented by Sen. Larry Craig. (Bob Mills)

Almost 3000 people in 8 different states will receive the experimental swine flu shot before the general public does this fall. Those states are Texas, Ohio, Georgia, Washington, Iowa, Maryland, Missouri and Tennessee. Well good; if we start a huge epidemic, at least we’ve spread it evenly across the country. (Jerry Perisho)

According to scientists in Spain drinking beer regularly could stop bones from going brittle. It is perfect, so I can drink and drive and don't feel that scared because I have superbones. (Pedro Bartes)

The London Mirror identified a Florida doctor who began giving Michael Jackson Depo Provera ten years ago. The drug is used to suppress aberrant sexual behavior. If they put it in the water coolers on Capitol Hill, it could save a lot of careers. (Argus Hamilton)


THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

A hacker attack shut down Twitter Thursday. The hacker was really depressed when he realized nobody was going to know about it because he couldn't twitter it. (Pedro Bartes)

Twitter was shut down and Facebook slowed down by a computer hacker last Thursday. For two hours, people were actually cut off from the world except for access by telephone and conversation. (Tim Hunter)

Sara Morishige Williams, wife of Twitter co-founder Evan Williams kept family, friends and followers up to date with the birth of her child using her husband's micro-blogging service. In 140-word dispatches, she reported her hospital check-in procedure, the breaking of her water and even her request for an epidural. There has been no confirmation of persistent rumors that she's actually sitting on an egg. (Bob Mills)

Popular online messenger Twitter on which Paula Abdul announced her resignation this week was attacked by a hacker and underwent a worldwide shutdown for several hours on Thursday. While still seeking the cause of the failure, Twitter's cyber investigators told reporters that, while they've been unable to trace the source of the sudden outage, they have interrogated 140 suspicious characters.

CELEBRITIES

Don't hit on women at your wife's funeral, especially if you're their dad. Vanity Fair reports that Ryan O'Neal accidentally tried to pick up his daughter, Tatum, at Farrah Fawcett's funeral. Giving a whole new meaning to the line, "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?" You know, when you see family at a funeral, think "bury the hatchet," not "hide the salami." (Bill Maher)

Squeaky Fromme was ordered out of prison this week after thirty-four years. The Charles Manson disciple shot at President Ford. She's out because the parole board ruled she is the only woman who can replace Paula Abdul on American Idol. (Argus Hamilton)

During the Teen Choice Awards last night, 16-Year-old Miley Cyrus danced around a stripper pole on top of an ice-cream cart wearing short shorts, a tank top, and biker boots; she said of the routine, This represents where I come from." Which apparently is not from Catholic school. (Jerry Perisho)

Scores gentleman's club in New York's manager Ed Norwick slammed Miley Cyrus's pole dance on TV Monday as age-inappropriate. His strip club is a familiar address. That's because two hundred politicians list it as a second residence for tax purposes. (Argus Hamilton)

Paula Abdul has announced she is leaving "American Idol". She was reportedly offered $10 Million a season and said it wasn't enough. If anyone thought she didn't have a problem with prescription meds before, that decision should pretty much put an end to that. Apparently she was angered that host Ryan Seacrest will be making more money than she. Not only that, he was also given a larger budget for hair care and manicures as well. (Jim Barach)

Paula Abdul, discussing her plans with reporters, said reality was not in her future. (Andy Borowitz)

Paula Abdul ended her eight-year run as a judge on American Idol Tuesday. It was devastating for the nation's pharmaceutical industry. With her departure plus the death of Michael Jackson, they've lost their weekly free ad and their biggest customer. (Argus Hamilton)

Anyone surprised cocaine was a factor in pitchman, Billy Mays's, death? How else can a guy get so excited about cleaning up a mess? (Alex Kaseberg)

Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps collided with another car while driving in Baltimore last night. Phelps says he was just trying to push off before making a turn. (Jake Novak)

Bob Dylan will release a new album of Christmas songs this fall. It includes a track that's sure to become a Christmas classic,
"Everybody Must Get Nogged. (Jerry Perisho)

Britney Spears won a lifetime achievement award at the Teen Choice awards. Mostly because at this point it's an achievement that she's still alive. (Janice Hough)

Nearly a week after Aerosmith's lead singer Steven Tyler fell off the stage at a South Dakota concert, his current medical condition is still a mystery. His hospital currently lists several possible conditions for rock stars: "Stable," "Serious," "Critical," and "Keith Richards." (Jake Novak)

Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire." But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled "Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000." (Jimmy Fallon)

EDUCATION

The Detroit Public School System reportedly lost millions of dollars in waste and fraud. Apparently they took it to heart when they were told to run the schools like a business. Who do they think they are, one of the Big Three automakers? (Jim Barach)

Archaeologists believed that they have found the birthplace of Vespasian, the Roman Emperor who built the Colosseum. They've narrowed it down to two hospitals in Honolulu. (Bill Littlejohn)

Gym class injuries in schools are up 150% in the past ten years. This has shocked educators across the country. Schools still have gym class? (Jim Barach)

RELIGION

Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaismis an older religion than Christianity? That's right. Half of America mlooks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament, and cannot figure out which one came first. (Bill Maher)

More and more churches have been advertising to bring folks back into the fold. The most popular campaign is being conducted by the Methodist Church, which is offering a "cash for clunkers" $4,500 award for people who turn in their secular relatives. (Jake Novak)

HISTORY

What a year, Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin, now Mel Martinez. And lesser-known others. Is it about time to rework the standard oath of office in the United States. Suggested new text: "and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter, until I decide that I feel like doing something else, or unless I get indicted." (Janice Hough)

BUSINESS & LABOR

President Obama tried to make a point about private companies and the government providing the same service. He said UPS and FedEx are doing fine, it's the post office that's always having problems. He does have a point, you never hear about some crazed worker getting a gun and going UPS or FedEx on everyone. (Alex Kaseberg)

A friend of mine demonstrated some new software on his I-phone that allows him to make bank deposits by taking pictures of checks. Can the I-Proctologist be far behind? (Tim Hunter)

Yesterday, G.M. announced they'll be releasing a car that gets 230 miles a gallon. And today, Nissan said their new car's going to get 367 miles a gallon. It's crazy. In a related story, Toyota just announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain forests, and give birth to endangered pandas. So, that's the one you want. (Conan O'Brien)

General Motors unveiled its Chevy Volt in Detroit on Tuesday. They say it only uses forty cents of electricity a night. This isn't a problem until they tell you they are pulling the plug on grandpa so that there is enough electricity to go around. (Argus Hamilton)

On Nissan developing a car that gets 367 miles per gallon: It's called the Nissan Fred Flintstone. (Conan O'Brien)

One day after GM's claim that its new electric car – the Chevy Volt – would get 230 miles per gallon, Nissan announced that its electric car – the Leaf – can achieve 367 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Hummer announced it has installed larger gas tanks so you can now make it to the store and back without stopping to fill up. (Jerry Perisho)

Radio Shack is changing its name to "The Shack". Mostly because young people keep walking into the stores asking what a radio is? (Jim Barach)




Compiled by Stan Kegel
skegel@socal.rr.com