Midlife crisis #261: A Catholic Taste

Midlife crisis #261: A Catholic Taste
By St. Sukie de la Croix
Copyright by The Chicago Free Press
May 6, 2009
http://www.chicagofreepress.com/node/3469


This latest spat between differing factions within the Roman Catholic Church may prove to be the beginning of the end for this bizarre Mediterranean Christian cult lead by men in bad drag. The Vatican, aka “HQ of the Holy Church of Child-Rapists,” has ordered a probe into the doings of American nuns, claiming they are soft on homosexuality. The New Catholic Reporter writes that Cardinal Joseph Levada, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, has concluded that U.S. nuns are not teaching the church’s doctrine on homosexuality.

Los Angeles Bishop Richard “Boy” O’Day said: “Our nuns are being too sympathetic to sexual perverts, taking Christ’s ‘love thy neighbor’ spiel too literally. They should have more sympathy for priests who rape children. Taking make-up tips from homosexuals and offering up their breasts to lesbians for succor is against the tenets of the Roman Catholic Church.”

The battle is shaping up to be a Priest v. Nun fight for control of the church’s heart and soul. Typical of the new breed of American nun is in the Diocese of Los Angeles. Sister Constance Companion of the Lady Delicious Caramel Dessert Convent in South Central told AP: “It’s all very well for the pampered priests in the Vatican to bounce altar boys up and down on their ‘laps’ but here we have to deal with real problems like urban decay, poverty, violence, hopelessness, and roaming lesbian biker gangs. Didn’t Jesus teach us to feed the poor and the hungry? If a gang of lesbian bikers knock on our door, we don’t turn them away, we invite them in and offer our pert little nun nipples up to be sucked. If I get to the end of the day without having at least two bulldykes chow down on my tit berries I don’t feel I’ve properly done the work of Christ.”

Sister Gertrude Stein, who runs the convent’s women-only tit kitchen, adds, “We have hundreds of horny lesbians here every night. And they’re hungry … myself, and my sisters, sometimes can’t get our huge pendulous nun tits out quick enough. I’ve had fights break out with four lesbians fighting over my tits. I sometimes wish God had given me three pairs of tits and even then it still wouldn’t be enough. Sometimes I have to offer up my vagina for Jesus. I think it’s the job of a Bride of Christ to sit on the face of the hungry. In fact I’ve just got out of the hospital after having a new vagina put in … hungry lesbians ate my old one. I pray to God every day … ‘Lord,’ I say, ‘is there any way that you could give me an extra vagina? Maybe two … three even! This is what the priests don’t understand … I look at it this way … why did God give nuns big honking hooters and delicious vaginas … then tell us not to get married and have babies … if he didn’t want us to feed the lesbians?”

“The Vatican is also saying we’re soft on male homosexuals,” continued Stein, “How am I supposed to condemn homosexuality and expect to get my hair and make-up done … hello! This is Los Angeles! Maybe if the Holy Father and the priests in the Vatican pulled their faces out of the altar boys’ assholes they might wake up and smell the coffee.”

Contact St. Sukie de la Croix at stcroix@chicagowhispers.com or you can find him on facebook