A Liberal Dose of Humor: Gene Weingarten can make fun of Democrats AND Republicans

A Liberal Dose of Humor: Gene Weingarten can make fun of Democrats AND Republicans
By Gene Weingarten
Copyright by the Washington Post
Sunday, March 28, 2010
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/19/AR2010031902643.html?hpid=topnews


A few weeks ago, I wrote a column suggesting that Republicans are fanatic, Bible-thumping, right-wing paranoiacs. This resulted in a lot of outraged mail from fanatic, Bible-thumping, right-wing paranoiacs. They claimed I am somehow biased against them.

Well, duh. As I've said before, I am so liberal that I should be tried for treason and executed. But my column was based on fact: A poll had revealed that most Republicans believe, for example, that Genesis should be taught in schools as a valid scientific explanation for the origin of life, and that President Obama might want the terrorists to win. In the column, I claimed to have found a secret second half of the poll, which I made up, lampooning these idiotic notions through exaggeration.

One letter-writer dared me to do the same sort of hit job on Democrats. I responded, smugly, that I'd be delighted to do that just as soon as Democrats demonstrate a similar nutty paranoia. So the guy sent me a link to a 2007 national poll revealing that more than half of all registered Dems believe that George W. Bush might have known of the 9/11 attacks in advance, and let it happen anyway.

Dang.

Ahem. As it happens, I have just come into exclusive possession of questions and answers from an unpublished, shocking and completely spurious poll of Democrats. Here are the highlights:

If the Supreme Court's decision had gone the other way and George W. Bush had not become president in 2000, how would things be different today?

Thirty-two percent said, "There would be no greed and hunger, and nothing to kill or die for, and no religion, too, and all the people would be living life in peace."

Forty-seven percent said, "Cars would run on sunshine."

Under what circumstances might you condone the use of a handgun?

Twenty-nine percent said "for self-defense by a uniformed police officer, but only if he or she has already been shot at least twice."

Thirty-one percent said "as a source of metal for plowshares."

What bad things that have happened in the last year can fairly be blamed on Barack Obama?

Sixty-two percent said "that Mr. Obama continues to smoke cigarettes, endangering his health and therefore jeopardizing his ability to continue to lead America with wisdom, character and a bold vision for a better tomorrow."

Is anything inherently morally offensive?

Twenty-six percent said: "No. A rigorous examination of our cultural taboos serves only to teach us what has the power to shock. A person can choose to be offended, but a thing cannot itself be offensive, not even pornographic videos featuring women, pancake syrup and billy goats."

Twelve percent said the only thing that they believe is offensive is "noticing that certain groups of people might possibly behave in certain ways that seem to be stereotypical of their group."

Thirty-one percent said "mentioning God in public."

Is there any crime so heinous that it cannot be forgiven, or any criminal so awful he cannot be rehabilitated through compassion, respect and understanding?

Forty-six percent said "violators of ordinances prohibiting secondhand smoke."

Twenty-two percent said "people who shoot abortion doctors."

Eleven percent said "farmers who mistreat chickens."

What has America done in the past that utterly negates any good the country has done or will do? Ever?

Twenty-seven percent said "persecution of black people and Native Americans."

Eleven percent said "propping up evil dictators."

Forty-one percent said "country music."

Rachel Manteuffel contributed to this column. E-mail Gene at weingarten@washpost.com.