When the spark goes out: Bringing sex back into a relationship

When the spark goes out: Bringing sex back into a relationship
By Amy Wooten
Copyright by The Chicago Free Press
April 1, 2009
http://www.chicagofreepress.com/node/3328


Relationships typically start out with a bang. But for some long-time couples, those days and nights of steamy, passionate sex are a distant memory.

Many GLBTs joke about “lesbian bed death,” the idea that many long-time lesbian couples are doomed to a sexless life together. Sociologist Pepper Schwartz first coined the term in the mid-1980s. In her book American Couples, Schwartz revealed a survey that found lesbian couples have less sex that heterosexual or gay pairings, and the longer the lesbian relationship, the less bedroom bliss. However, over the years, many researchers and scholars have questioned Schwartz’ methodology. And many regular folks, through word of mouth or personal experience, know that any long-time couple—lesbian, gay or straight—can fall prey to “bed death.”

The idea that bed death only applies to lesbians, experts say, is false. All relationships have a tendency to ebb and flow over time, and many couples, both same- and opposite-sex, will experience high and low points in terms of sexual intimacy.

“The idea of lesbian bed death is a big old joke,” said counselor and author (True Secrets of Lesbian Desire: Keeping Sex Alive in Long-Term Relationships) Renate Stendhal. She said that in her practice she counsels lesbian, heterosexual and gay couples. Stendhal added this stereotype partially roots from women historically being socially trained to deny their sexuality.

New York psychotherapist Patti Geier, LCSW, calls the term “lesbian bed death” a “misnomer.”

“I have seen lesbians in long-term relationships who continue to engage in sexual activities and I’ve worked with heterosexual couples who stopped having sex after a few years into marriage,” Geier said. “I’ve seen gay male couples who lost interest in sex with their partner and those that continued being sexual after being together for many years.”

Geier added that the only difference she’s seen in her 20 years of working with both GLBT and heterosexual couples is that she’s only heard male couples suggest the option an open relationship.

According to psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., about 20-25 percent of heterosexual couples are considered “sexless,” which means they have sex 10 times or less in a one-year period.

“My best guess is that you would see about an equal number of so-called sexless relationships among straight, gay and lesbian long-term couples,” Buehler said.

While many couples will experience a waxing and waning in the Sex Department, experts agree that intimacy is an important aspect of a healthy and successful relationship, and a lack of intimacy shouldn’t be ignored.

California psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, Ph.D., said that keeping love and sex alive is what keeps a relationship going. “It’s like the roots that feed a tree,” Tessina said. “To keep that vital energy going, and the sap rising, you need to provide something new and interesting.”

If you have been together a long time, chances are you both love one another very much. Then how is it possible to let intimacy fall through the cracks?

Many experts agree that a lack of communication is usually the main culprit.

After time, couples can fall into patterns. Routine can lead to bedroom boredom, but many couples fail to talk about their sex life. Communication problems aren’t limited to the failure to discuss sex. It can include failure to communicate other issues impacting the bedroom, like stress, depression, health issues and anger.

“If the couple is experiencing problems in other areas and cannot resolve the issues through talking, anger and resentment will build,” which can directly impact intimacy, Geier said.

Many things can kill a person’s sex drive, such as other aspects of your life getting in the way (kids and work are big culprits), health concerns like depression, past sexual abuse—the list goes on.

There are other potential culprits in addition to a failure to communicate. Geier added that if a couple becomes too “merged,” too enmeshed, alone time, opposing opinions and different likes and dislikes become “threatening.” When partners in a relationship aren’t allowed to be distinct individuals, sexual desire can go out the window because sex then feels “incestuous,” she said.

Or, maybe a partner isn’t getting the affection he or she needs outside of the bedroom, and that’s killing the mood. Stendhal said that she has seen gay males, who are more likely to allow for an open relationship, focus so much on activities outside the bedroom, like anonymous hookups at the gym, “that they fail to keep their own bed alive.”

Just because you and your partner may be experiencing a rough patch doesn’t mean it’s time to throw the baby out with the bathwater, though. Relationship and sex experts stress that many relationships experience road bumps, but many couples can recover from a lack of sex.

First, talk to your partner. Remember, the key is to communicate with one another.

“One person needs to be brave enough to speak up and wonder what’s going on in the bedroom,” Buehler said. “It doesn’t need to be a confrontation, just an expression of frustration and curiosity.”

Be honest about what’s getting in the way of your sex life, such as stress or anger.

“When you are stressed and depleted, libido wanes,” said Addicted to Sex: A Woman’s 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life author and stress management expert Debbie Mandel. “On the other hand, when you feel good about yourself, empowered, your libido rises.” For some people, simple ways to get in the mood can include managing small stressors, exercising and eating healthier.

Don’t avoid talking about sex. Talk about what you want, what you miss, what turns you on—even what turns you off. Just be nice about it.

“It’s better to be honest than to just withhold love and affection,” Buehler said. If your man’s breath is keeping you from a morning roll in the hay, politely mention it instead of constantly turning him down.

All couples can benefit from opening up about their needs and desires. It can be scary for some people to become intimate and vulnerable, especially for men, who aren’t socialized to be verbally intimate, Stendhal said.

“We’re all completely afraid of being naked, of being too exposed,” she added. “But language between the couple needs to be found. How rewarding it is when we open up in this way.”

Couples also need to make time for sex, even if that literally means marking a “sex date” on the calendar when life is too busy to always be spontaneous.

“Make sex as important as any other activity you and your partner do together,” Geier said.

Stendhal suggests that couples learn to enjoy quickies and other quick, pleasuring activities like cuddling or an hour of raunchy dirty talk. Many of us, she added, have “toxic” false notions of what sex in a loving relationship is and should be.

“We think of sex as this passionate storm,” she added. “We don’t think of sex as pure childlike pleasure, and we should.”

Searah Deysach, owner of the shop Early 2 Bed in Chicago, said that couples can benefit from re-evaluating their definition of sex. Maybe your intimate time together can include mutual masturbation, long make-out sessions or other activities, she suggested.

“We have this fairy tale idea of sex,” Deysach said.

Try spicing up your sex life, too. Couples who have been together a long time are past that exploratory “honeymoon” phase, and entering new territories together can reenergize the relationship.

“As you get closer, passion no longer grows automatically out of the excitement of the new and unknown,” Tessina said.

Ask your partner what he or she desires, and don’t be judgmental. Have an open mind. There are a wide variety of things couples can try. New York psychotherapist and board certified clinical sexologist Michael DeMarco, Ph.D., said that couples might want to start with something as simple as breaking the pattern of having sex in bed at night. How about right before dinner in the kitchen? “Mix it up,” he advised. “Have sex anywhere else than in bed.”

There are many other activities couples can try, such as quickies, sex workshops, romantic candlelight dinners, sneaky sex, make up sex, fantasy sex, new toys.

“The active use of fantasy and imagery to enjoy sex is essential,” psychotherapist and author Dorothea Hover-Kramer, Ed.D., RN, said. “It’s free and can be brought into the bedroom at any time.”

Deysach said that couples “constantly” come into her store, seeking ways to fan the flames.

“I think it’s a problem almost every long-term relationship focuses on, at some point,” she added. “That aspect really does ebb and flow.”

But if you haven’t properly communicated with each other yet, jumping to this step might not help.

“Customers come in who have every sex toy under the sun, but they still haven’t talked to their partner and nothing has changed,” Deysach said. “You don’t need another sex toy, you need a therapist and you need to talk to your partner.”

Many relationships can also benefit from couples therapy. Most experts suggest first talking to one another, then trying different ways to heat things up. If the issue isn’t resolved within a few months, seek professional help. But don’t wait too long.

“Often, couples wait until the problem becomes intolerable before turning to a therapist, Geier said. “Unfortunately, by this time, there may be so much anger, resentment, rejection and hurt that couples can and do break up.”